The Fear that Gave Me Wings
by januarys
Summary: AU. One year. That's all she has. — MitchieShane
1. Prologue

_Prologue_

* * *

There's a single leaf hanging precariously off a tree branch just outside of the window. It dangles in the soft breeze and for a moment, Mitchie thinks that it's going to break off and float to the ground. The little leaf holds its ground though and she smiles as she thinks that the leaf is just as stubborn as her.

Mitchie sighs and turns back to the empty desk sitting a few feet before her, littered in forms and prescription slips. Doctor Brown was supposed to be back by now, if not earlier. How could a routine appointment take up the better part of her day? She was supposed to stop by the grocery store to get some knick knacks for her mom and judging by the abundance of missed calls on her phone, she is running a little late.

She plays with the hem of her sweater as the door of the office opens and she quickly places a smile on her lips as Doctor Brown walks in with a folder under his arm, and a blank expression on his face. He's a good man, Doctor Brown, with a personality to boot, judging by the guitar that leans against the wall behind Mitchie and the colourful lollipops glistening innocently in a bowl on the far side of his desk.

However there's something… off about him right now. If anything the blank expression could even be considered grim by others and Brown can't stop running his hand through his carefully styled hair, successfully ruining the illusion of bed-head. Still, Mitchie keeps the smile on her face and an eye on her watch, eager to be out of the small room as soon as possible.

Brown sits down behind the desk and flicks through the folder he was carrying. The lines on his forehead seem to have sunken a little deeper than before and each agonising tick of the clock is making Mitchie that little more impatient. She opens her mouth to say something, to push him along, _anything_.

Then,

"You're going to die."

The leaf flutters to the ground.


	2. January

_January_

* * *

There is a small spectrum of light that dances across her line of vision briefly, all reds and blues and greens, and Mitchie thinks that it's beautiful. Then everything comes back to speed, and the glass of water that was once held in her hand now shatters to the tiled floor in a sharp, twinkling chime. For a moment she stands there briefly and barely registers what she's just done and as Mitchie falls to the floor, she throws her palms out to cushion the blow and feels tiny shards of glass embed themselves into her skin.

As she carefully positions herself to avoid most of the shattered glass, she brings her palms up to her eye level and watches the blood slowly bubble its way to the surface around the diamonds in her palms.

She lost another five minutes. _Five minutes_. This has happened before. It all started months before, the dizzy spells and the short term amnesia, if one would even call it that. She would be helping her mother with the baking, and then she would be standing in front of a completely iced cake before promptly dropping the bowl of icing in shock.

Did she really do all of that? How could she not remember?

As Mitchie sits in the hallway, glass shards scattered all around her, tiny specks of blood mixing in with the clear water that was most certainly meant to be inside of her rather than on the tiles, she realises how weak she feels suddenly. The sheer thought of even getting to her feet is enough to make her weak.

She takes a deep breath. One, two, three. After a moment, she gets to her knees and pushes herself upwards. Her body quivers softly in protest but she ignores it, she has to keep going. Mitchie gets to her feet and leans against the wall for some semblance of support.

One, two, three. Take a deep breath. One, two, three.

Mitchie pushes herself off the wall and just as her bones stop quivering; her mother comes into the hallway. Her mother's eyes widen almost comically and she dashes over to her daughter, fussing over the bloody glass shards on her palms and how much more paler she looks suddenly.

Later on she sits on the countertop in her mother's bathroom with its sand coloured tiles and deep red towels, warm and cosy. Her mother gently plucks out each glass shard from her palms and Mitchie can't feel the small sting of release one would normally feel. She tries to stay alert during it, tries not to lose another five minutes, but there is no form of pain that radiates from her palms whatsoever.

She can't think of what that might mean.

As her mother dabs at the small cuts left over, Mitchie finds that she can't say anything to her. She can't open her mouth and tell her mother that her only child is dying, _terminal cancer_. She can't bear the thought of her mother trying to be strong for her, offering her those familiar smiles as a way of reassurance.

She knows her mother though, she knows her all too well. She knows those smiles will all be forced, that the sparkle in her eyes will slowly fade over time and even though she'll try to be the one to lift Mitchie up, she knows that there's only so far her mother will be able to go.

Mitchie needs to leave. She needs to get as far away from her mother as possible, her father too. There's no other rational way around this. She can't tell them. She can't let them know anything is amiss. She won't do this to them. She won't.

Mitchie glances down at the small shards of ruby stained glass sitting innocently on a tissue by her side. The warm sun that filters in from the bathroom window hits the shards, and the spectrum that dances before her now is muted with red.

Her mother's warm palm brushes over her cool cheek, and Mitchie makes a decision.

* * *

"I'm so proud of you _porcellana_." Her mother says to her later on as she sits her parents down in the living room, hands bandaged carefully and '_I'm moving out on my own'_ still hanging in the air between them.

Her parents pull her small body between the both of them and Mitchie clings on for dear life, a part of her can't help but think that she's not going to have another moment like this again.


	3. February

_February_

* * *

There is a small brick house in a quiet neighbourhood just four hours out of New Jersey. A large weeping willow tree grows in front of it; the wispy branches cover most of small patio at the front and as the sun shines brightly above, the branches cast thin shadows that seem to go on for miles.

A few labelled boxes sit near the front door and Mitchie tries to ignore the tremors in her bones as she attempts to lug them through the entryway to their respective places. She wonders why her pillows are heavier than normal; it's not as though she had that many in the first place.

As she pushes the last box through the front door, she straightens up and works out the knots that form in her lower back. Her arms shake slightly as she presses down softly on her woollen jumper, grateful that it hides the colourful array of bruises that begun to form over the last week.

One, two, three.

Mitchie leaves her front door open as she walks through her new home. Her mother had already put up various photographs on the walls, and the kitchen is fully stocked with items she probably won't even end up using. She avoids contemplating the pictures on her journey to her bedroom, and she tries to read a novel whilst she lies down on her bed.

Her mattress hugs her bones, offers a gentle relief to the small pangs of pain that tickle her skin and she drifts off slowly, the room seeming so much warmer than how she feels in this moment.

The sound of a guitar melody wakes her up.

Mitchie jolts awake, easily ignoring the sudden prickle in her lower back, and looks around her room wildly. Her window is closed, a testament to the chill outside, and for a moment she thinks she dreamt the melody she thought she heard. As Mitchie goes to lie back down the tune begins anew and before she realises it, she's outside on her front patio, forgetting that she even left her front door open for anyone to walk inside.

The melody comes from next door and her eyes find the culprit immediately. Unconsciously, she heads over to the wooden picket fence that separates her neighbour and herself, lets her hands grasp the aged wood and it's as though she has her own private concert.

She sees the guitar first; the strings emit a dull shine in the weak sunlight of the day. The hands, male, that pluck the strings are callous from constant playing, and those hands are tanned and scattered in freckles. Her eyes trail up the strong arms that carry the instrument; despite the light sweater he's wearing covering most of the evidence. His expression is sombre, eyes closed as though he pictures the melody in his mind and a shock of raven hair falls just short of his eyes.

For a moment, she thinks he's quite beautiful.

Mitchie leans in a little closer, and she can't determine whether it's to hear the music or to get a better look at her neighbour. She then promptly overbalances and falls over onto the other side of the fence. Mitchie lands hard on her side and as she tries to regulate her breathing, her body screams in silent protest but regardless of the silence there is agony and she barely finds it in herself to hold back the tears that threaten to spring from her eyes.

One, two, three. The grass is ridiculously soft. One, two, three. The music seems to have ceased. One, two-

"I seriously can't get any peace anywhere anymore, even on my own property."

She stills for a moment at the sound of his voice, soft but with annoyance laced through it, and she turns her head slightly to see that his eyes are hazel, they're looking at her, and they're annoyed, possibly with the fact that she dares even breathe in their presence. Which won't be a problem for too much longer, but now's not exactly an appropriate time for black humour.

Reeling from her moment of clumsiness, Mitchie allows her head to fall back onto the soft grass. She feels a migraine creep closer but she's not too sure if it was the fall that triggered it or the jerk that stands before her. Who doesn't even offer a hand to help her stand up? She huffs slightly, ignores her bones as they rattle beneath her skin and pushes herself into a sitting position.

"Well, excuse me for being alive."

Bad joke, even she knows that, but it's not as though the mysterious and definitely _not_ handsome stranger before her knows any better. So she crosses her arms and frowns up at him, thankful that the sun is out of her line of sight so she doesn't look like a five year old who's not allowed to go on the swing set. The man, _jerk_, doesn't break his gaze from her own, though his expression seems to have softened a little.

"It's not as though it's a private show, there was a reason why I was playing by myself outside here. _By myself_."

Mitchie rolls her eyes, and doesn't quite take in what he's just said to her. She's a little annoyed now, definitely. Does this guy believe the world revolves around him? She clenches her fists and her blood boils a little bit. She's really annoyed now.

"Do you feel a bit better now that you've told off a girl?" It's dirty to play the gender card but there's a reason why it works. He goes to open his mouth again but she holds her palm up and he thinks better than to interrupt her.

"Good. Now. You've done a few things wrong here, let me point them out. First, I haven't been given a chance to explain as to why I was watching you play. If anything I thought the tune was fantastic and I was waiting for the right moment to jump in and praise you on it. It's my own fault that I fell over the fence, but I've always been a little clumsy so that can't be helped. So, I'm sorry about that."

He doesn't say anything, though his eyes widen a little during her outburst.

"Second, is that any way to speak to someone? I would have hoped that rather than scold me for breaking your focus, you would have helped me off the ground by now. You're just cold hard proof that modern day chivalry is truly dead and gone."

Mitchie takes pleasure in the fact that he appears a little guilty, and in the fact that she seems to have gotten through to him slightly as well. He sighs a great sigh, as if he was being asked to do something time consuming, and extends his hand out towards her. She grips it firmly, unsurprised by how strong his grip is, and how warm his hands are, and he helps her get to her feet. He ends up using both of his hands, one of them wrapped around her wrist to help her balance herself.

The world rights itself and her head spins recede immediately. She takes a breath and immediately let's goes of his hands, most definitely not missing the warmth they provided to her cold skin. Mitchie turns to look at him and offers a hard smile.

"Third, you might want to put on a thicker sweater. It's a little chilly out here."

With that she walks the length of the fence that leads to her side and doesn't give him the satisfaction of looking back to see his expression, which she knows is comical right now and it's very hard to not look around to prove it. As she reaches her front door, she finally turns back around, places her hands on her hips expectantly and clears her throat. He startles for a moment and averts his eyes.

"Thank you?"

She smiles warmly.

"You're welcome."

As she goes to lie back down on her bed the guitar melody starts up again, this time a little more thoughtful than before. Her body sighs with relief as her head hits the pillow, and the guitar melody lulls her to sleep.


	4. March

_March_

* * *

There's a terrifying pain creeping through her left arm.

Mitchie braces herself against the wall, her right hand squeezes her bicep in a desperate attempt to subside the pain, to try and do _something_. Her fingers shake with trepidation, her heart races, and she's scared, so scared. Her arm feels as though it's on fire, and it races past the pressure that's done absolutely nothing whatsoever, and it hits the centre of her chest in searing spurts of agony.

She can't stop the whimper that emerges from her lips, and she can't stop herself in time to avoid hitting the floor so hard, and she bites her lips, squeezes her eyes shut, tries to block out the world around her. This is unimaginable, her worst attack thus far, and she tries to focus on the dazzling spectrums that appear when she wrenches her eyes open.

One, two, three.

The fire disappears as quickly as it had come, and Mitchie takes a shuddering breath. Her bones rattle with her movement and a few tears fall from her eyes. She shuts them again, wants to block out the glare of the sunlight through her bedroom window, and she thinks of her mother, cheese omelettes, _home_.

Home.

* * *

Mitchie falls asleep easily after that and when she wakes up again, the day outside is a little duller and the sun is less harsh than before. She sits up slowly, a head rush is inevitable, and lets the sun take her under and wrap her in its warmth. She wonders if her mother is doing the same thing right now, she always had a habit of falling asleep in the midday sun.

With a smile, she finally gets on her feet, albeit unsteady as she does so. She pushes on though, decides to go outside and opens her front door. March is kind to her skin, kind to her bones, and she runs a hand through her hair, trying to take in as much as she can of it.

The grass seems greener to her today, and Mitchie ambles down her patio steps to walk in it, savouring every part of it. In a rush of childish adrenaline, she outstretches her arms and does a few little spins. Her heart races with that childlike excitement and she can't stop the chuckle that comes out of her.

Another chuckle joins in with hers and although her own is deep, it's most definitely _not_ that deep. She stops abruptly and turns to the source of the chuckle. Her heart skips a beat when she sees her raven haired neighbour braced against the picket fence, watching her with amusement in his eyes.

Mitchie crosses her arms over her chest, an unconscious defensive gesture she's had since she was a little girl. Truth be told she hadn't seen much of him over the past month, what with her moving in, settling down, and planting some roots and all. On occasion, she would glance out of her kitchen window that his whole backyard was open to and see him strumming his guitar, sometimes talking on his phone with someone. They didn't look like pleasant conversations half the time, either.

They hadn't had a conversation since that day though, if you would even call it a conversation. Mitchie wouldn't be surprised if he _had_ seen her loitering around her home, much the same as she had seen him, but with only that little confrontation as the basis of their relationship she couldn't blame him if he didn't want to take that further.

Mitchie blinked. Relationship? There goes her imagination again, honestly.

"Nice moves you got there neighbour, much better than last time."

He sounds cheerful, and Mitchie is instantly on guard. She steps a little closer to where he's perched, arms still crossed, and eyes him suspiciously.

"Who are you?" She says, and it sounded far better in her head most definitely.

Raven haired stranger's expression flashes with confusion for a moment before he chuckles again. Mitchie knows her face is betraying her body, she's never been a good at keeping her emotions at bay, and she gapes openly at him. Two chuckles in the space of five minutes? Something's going on here.

He looks at her, a crooked smile on his lips.

"Thought I would try a change of character. It's not good always being a right out dick, excuse my language."

Mitchie stares at him. He stares back.

"Basically, I'm sorry about the other week. You didn't deserve that at all, it's a free country. For who knows how long is a _completely_ different matter, however."

She can feel the disbelief on her face completely melt away. She steps closer to him, matching the smile that graces his own lips, and she feels uncharacteristically warmer despite the late afternoon chill.

"It's fine, really," she says, feeling oddly comfortable with him despite their short history, "and if anything I should be the one apologising. I've always been pretty bad at first impressions, at least that's what my mother always told me," and now she's babbling, "she used to always say 'Mitchie, you need to loosen up and be yourself, alright?' and of course, being the stubborn little thing I am—"

"Mitchie?"

She starts for a moment, for hearing her name come from his lips is a little bit of shock, even to the strongest of women. Gathering her wits about, she nods and smiles, trying to ignore the way his hair curls slightly towards the ends, falling just about a small freckle near—

"It's a nickname," Mitchie blurts, forcing her eyes back to his level, "for Michelle. Torres. That's my last name. Full name. What about you? Not nicknames or last names, I mean, just a name in general?"

Mitchie wonders how social interaction is possible with her. Speaking with the opposite sex doesn't normally turn her into a simpering mess. He smiles again, reaches to brush his hair of his neck, and nods.

"Shane, Shane Gray. Nicknames? I could say that I do have a few, but they're all a little scandalous if you catch my drift."

She does, and she doesn't. She gives him a sheepish grin, suddenly feeling the chill a little more than before. Her skin reacts to the sensation, and she crosses her arms again to make herself a little warmer. Shane notices this, his eyes trained on a particular area of her arm, and he frowns slightly.

"That bruise on your arm looks a little painful."

Mitchie stops for a moment, her fingers brush over the sensitive area from where she gripped herself too tight before, before she composes her features once again and shrugs.

"I'm pretty clumsy; I have a habit of running into walls, doors, and sharp edges. Mainly walls though, they appear out of nowhere sometimes, I swear."

Shane laughs, a full and bodied laugh, and she can't help but laugh along with him. It's a little amazing how barely ten minutes ago she was slightly intimidated by him, and now they're chuckling as though they're lifelong friends. So, she forgets.

For a moment she forgets. She forgets about everything that's going to happen to her, forgets about all the pain she's gone through so far, all the pain she _is_ going to go through. Forgets.

Shane's eyes meet hers again, and they're alight with amusement.

"I guess I'll just have to keep a closer eye on you then."

Mitchie smiles, her cheeks throb slightly, but she can't find it in herself to care. She turns around, cataloguing this moment for heavy inspection later on tonight, and begins to make her way to her patio.

"I wouldn't mind that at all."

Even as she whispers it to herself, the breeze around her carries it to Shane, and she doesn't see the warm smile on his lips that's a little different from all the others she's seen so far.


	5. April

_April_

* * *

Something changes between the two of them after that afternoon. It's a subtle change, something that doesn't necessarily warrant a mention in passing conversation, but it's a change and it's _there_ so it's worth something.

Mitchie finds herself often trying to listen for the sounds of his guitar as it plays its smooth melody through their area, tries to be as discreet as possible as she opens her front door just to listen to his tunes. Sometimes she wonders if he realises that she listens to him as often as she can, and she can't find it in herself to care.

They occasionally pass each other in the mornings, mainly when they go to grab their newspapers. She wants to initiate a conversation with him, wants to get to know him better. However every time it happens, she only offers a wave and a silly looking grin before she all but dashes back into her home, her heart racing and her mind not far behind. Shane always looks amused by it though, and Mitchie doesn't really know what that means.

Realistically, she does know what it means. It's not a good thing.

She came out here to get away, to try and live with this illness inside of her, simply wanting to cause less pain to her parents. She wants to fight this by herself, at least try to live like a _normal _person, like she once was. It feels as though it's been years since then, in reality it's only been a handful of months since Doctor Brown utters those words.

"_You're doing to die."_

Mitchie sits by her front door; her arms wrap themselves gingerly around her body. A cool breeze filters through her screen door, the rustle of the leaves outside attempt to offer a reprieve from her thoughts. She shivers slightly, and those words continue to echo through her mind, so the comforting sounds do nothing at all.

She's scared. She's honestly scared.

She tells herself not to think about this now, not while she's here and so desperately close to the outside world. So close to—

Mitchie shakes her head. It's not something even worth a thought. It's unthinkable. How on Earth would she get herself out of this one? Simply put, there was something there for her neighbour, for _Shane_, and she's damned to admit it to herself before she admits it to anyone else. For one, the man is out of her league. Or maybe he's out of her league. Maybe they're not even in the same sport altogether.

For another, she's dying.

That old fear comes back, settles into her bones, ignites emotion out of her, and Mitchie puts her face in her hands, tries to muffle the soft sobs that she can't stop. It's no use to just sit here, to feel sorry for herself. Her mother did always say a little bit of a cry was a good thing, healthy even. She misses her mother so much. Her mother with her organised mess of curls, her soft smile and warm hands. She misses home, the comfort that her parents alike would always be there for her, a roof over her head, food in her belly, and all those little cliché things that make her house a home.

This place doesn't feel right though, doesn't wrap around her skin like her old home did. There are far too many empty spaces on the walls, too many missing names in her phone book, too much room for such a small person. Mitchie feels small, feels that little bit insignificant when she compares herself to everything else she knows. She sobs softly again, draws her knees up to her chest, and lets it all out.

For a while there are only the sounds of her muffled tears. It meshes with the emptiness of the house around her, amplifies her pain.

One, two, three.

A soft tune begins to play from across the yard, and Mitchie ceases her crying immediately. She peers outside her door, tries to make herself seem as small as possible, and sees Shane perched on the picket fence with his guitar, and an unreadable expression that's barely visible from her perspective.

She clasps a hand over her chest unconsciously, allows the music to settle over her, fill her with warmth and wash away the sorrow. The tune that plays is soft, melancholic, with that little bit of energy behind it just to keep it interesting. Mitchie feels warm, and she quietly thanks Shane Gray with a small, tearstained smile.

With a deep breath, she gets onto her feet, a slight step in her balance, and thinks of home as she heads to the kitchen with a plan.

* * *

A few hours, a messy counter, a bag of spilt sprinkles and flour, and a few smashed eggs later, Mitchie eyes her cooling cupcakes with a sense of pride akin to her mother after she's finishes Thanksgiving dinner. Small vanilla cupcakes with coloured sprinkles sit happily on their tray, unaware of their imminent demise to come over the next hour. She smiles to herself, hopes her neighbour appreciates the gesture, and picks up a bag of leftover flour to put away.

"Mitchie!"

There's an unexpected knock at her front door and she gasps, her bones almost jump out of skin, and then the kitchen rains flour for a few moments. She coughs at the substance in her throat, fans her hands around her face in order to see the mess it's made on the general area. It's thankfully fallen short of her cupcakes and that's all she really cares about at that moment.

With a sigh of resignation, she dusts off the front of her now powdery-white clothes and heads to her front door. Shane stands on the other side, a large grin on his face and his guitar strapped carefully on his back. Mitchie can't stop the smile that emerges from within, and she opens the door with a greeting on her tongue.

Shane takes one look at her face and bursts into laughter.

Mitchie stops mid-greeting and frowns at him. She crosses her arms, defensive gesture and all, and glares at him.

"Now what, pray tell, is funny about my face?"

Her neighbour appears to have managed a level of composure after a fashion, though the grin on his face is far too wide and that little bit mischievous as well. He reaches out to her face, catches her eye to be sure she's alright with it. Mitchie shrugs, Shane continues. His fingers fall softly on her jaw, and she feels her heart skip a beat. His hands are warm; she can _feel_ the warmth of his palm radiate onto her skin. Unconsciously she leans into the touch, still keeps her eyes on him because she can't look away. He watches her intently, all amusement wiped from his face, and for a moment he does nothing.

Everything is quiet for that moment.

Shane brushes his finger across her jaw, his eyes never leave hers, and they linger for a moment. Mitchie's close enough to let his hand take her cheek, he's so _warm_, and then he holds his finger out in front of her face. Except his finger is coated in flour and she looks at it in confusion for a moment. Then it all comes together. With a gasp of horror, she wipes at her own face only to see her hands come away positively _coated_ with flour. The blood rises to her face and she rushes to her bathroom, Shane's laughter like a twinkle of starlight behind her.

"I think it suits you!"

Mitchie takes once glance in the mirror, tries to feel upset about this, and can't find it in herself to care. She giggles to herself as she bats away the flour with a hand towel.

"Jerk!"

She groans because her hair will need _another_ wash, but that can be dealt with later on. She washes away most of the substance from her face and clothes, ties her hair into a loose bun, and heads back to Shane, whose placed his guitar against her dinner table. He munches on one of her cupcakes, and doesn't look guilty about it at all. Mitchie gives him a slightly disapproving stare, and Shane just watches her innocently.

"Who told you that those were for you in the first place?"

He grins, his mouth full of cupcake and his lips similar to a rainbow of sprinkles. He swallows, visibly holds back a moan of delight, and gives her a wider smile.

"Just felt like they were for me, is all."

Mitchie laughs.

"It doesn't necessarily mean they _were _meant for you."

He meets her eyes after a while, and his own soften for a moment. There's something here that neither of them are aware of. Despite the flour coated kitchen, an equally as flour coated Mitchie, and a contemplative Shane, there's something here. She feels it, and she knows that he feels it too.

He breaks away from her gaze to grab his guitar, and she feels her heart return to its pace. As he straps the instrument to his back once again he turns to look at her, his hazel eyes serious yet his smile playful.

"I know they were for me and when I know something, it's definite."

Shane leaves, and Mitchie isn't sure what to make of this.

* * *

The next morning when the flour has been cleared away, the moment has been over-analysed by both parties, Mitchie meets Shane, his crooked grin ever present on his lips, at the picket fence with the leftover cupcakes in an airtight container. The sun is warm on her skin, the ever present chill in her bones is barely even a bother at this moment. She bits her bottom lip discreetly, holds out the treats as though it's a peace offering. In a sense, it is exactly that.

"You forgot to take your cupcakes last night."

Shane smiles, and everything feels a little warmer.


	6. May

_May_

* * *

The guitar melody is a regular occurrence after that. Mitchie is grateful of the rising heat, it gives her an excuse to throw her windows and doors wide open to try and force some airflow through her house. It helps a little, but definitely not a lot.

Mitchie finds that she hasn't missed home as much since the Flour Shower, as Shane affectionately coins it one afternoon after that, as she tries to settle in here. Those roots she forces herself to plant finally give after some time, and while it's not exactly her familiar cul-de-sac, it definitely begins to make some form of sense.

She gets a call from her mother at the start of the week, and her heart swells with a bundle of different feelings. The sound of her mother's voice, warm and lovely, dredges up some strange sort of tingle in her bones. For a moment she thinks that it's homesickness, a pang of regret for leaving, but it's nothing like that. She misses her mother, her _parents_, she loves them so much, but she doesn't want to go back to them, not right now anyway.

Her mother's laughter is like a wind chime, delicate and graceful. Mitchie twirls the phone cord around her fingers, wants to hear more of it because it makes her forget the slight quiver her bones like to do lately and usually at the most inappropriate moments too.

"_Porcellana, all these new recipes I've discovered! The catering business is making a killing down here because of it. It's fantastic; don't get me wrong, sometimes I wish I had an extra pair of hands just to keep up with it all, you know?"_

Her love for her mother grows stronger with each second. "It's fine to feel like that, mama. I was normally the one helping you out with those little odds and ends, remember?"

Her mother sighs blissfully. _"You definitely did help me, a lot more than you imagined Mitchie. Your father tries but there's a reason he works in a hardware store, let's just leave it there."_

Mitchie laughs, lovely and full, and she feels better than she has in a while.

"_So tell me porcellana, how are you really doing?"_

She says nothing as she leans against the wall, taking a deep breath as she does so.

Mitchie is good. She's really, truly good. It's not that perfect kind of good, the good where everything is pushing up daisies and looks as though it will be like that for some time. She's content, she's happy, and she's good.

She's really good.

There's a tear travelling down her face, and she bunches a fist against her mouth to cover the inevitable sob, slides down to the hard ground as she does so, and tries to keep her eyes trained on the brilliant green grass of her yard through her front door. She's been lying to herself for too long now. Truthfully, she's the furthest thing from good right now. The moment she picked up the phone, she knew it was going to come down to this moment.

A part of her wants to let it all out. Let out the fact that she's got something eating away inside of her, taking away all the good in her and leaving behind the worse possible things. This whole _thing_ is too much to keep bottled up for so long. She's had enough of lying to herself, had enough of waking up with her bones threatening to scatter, like dust in the wind, and she's had enough of the shakes, the tremors, and her reflection in the mirror.

There's a chill in the air that's going straight to her bones, despite the late springtime weather. She holds back her tears, tries to come up with a way so she can tell her mother that—

_mama I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me why didn't I say anything to you all those months ago do you remember in september last year when I collapsed in the grocery store and I shrugged it off oh mama it kept getting worse and worse and one time I forgot where I was and mama I'm so scared I really am I just want to come home and let you hold me just to tell me that it's going to be okay even though it won't mama it won't it won't it won't_

-"Mitchie?"

With a gasp, she jerks her head in the direction of her front door and sees Shane peering inside, guitar not on its usual back perch and his face alight with concern.

Mitchie trembles, her bones rattle more so than usual, and she ignores her mother's concerned tones coming from the mouthpiece of the phone.

"Honey? Honey, are you okay? What's going on Michelle, tell me—"

"I—I'm fine mama, really. I'm sorry, I—I'll call you back."

She ignores her mother's protests as she hangs up the receiver, before she wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The last thing she really wants is for Shane to see her like this, so the fresh air in her lungs rushes straight through her, and as she exhales she can feel all her pain go with it.

One, two, three.

Mitchie opens the front door, and Shane shifts a little closer to her as she does. His fingers twitch, as though he's wondering if he should offer some physical comfort.

"You alright?"

She runs her fingers through her hair, slightly tangled from her emotional lapse, and she nods. "Yeah, yeah I think so."

Taking a look at Shane, he doesn't look too convinced. She makes an attempt to move past him, to get out into the fresh air of the afternoon, when he gets a hold on her arm. His fingers are firm, not threatening in the slightest, but she feels a little smaller than before and when she meets his hazel gaze, it's full of concern, of worry, a combination of the two.

"I'm not convinced—"

"Do you mind if we just let it go Shane?"

He blinks at her, perhaps a little perturbed from that answer. His grip loosens, something akin to a phantom lingers on her arm, dances along her radius and ulna, before it drops completely, and he looks a little sheepish. Mitchie watches him for a moment, and she smiles softly.

"Just let it go, honestly."

Mitchie walks down her patio stairs. A beat passes, and Shane shuffles after her.

* * *

They sit together on the grass at the front of her house. Rather, she's stretches out as far as her limbs will allow while he sits with his legs tucked underneath him, letting his fingers whisper through the grass.

The day is peaceful, the sun melts away all her fear from before, and with each breath she takes, she's unafraid of whatever happens next, for now anyway. She turns to face him, untroubled by the fact that he's watching her closely, and she can't help the soft chuckle that emits from her lips.

"I'm fine Shane, please."

Shane lets out a breath, shifts a little closer to her. Mitchie can count the freckles that scatter across his arm, a deeper brown than his already warm skin. She lets her eyes linger on the spot that sits on his neck, before she looks at his face. It's a stunning face, if she says so herself, and once upon a time she would have convulsed at that thought.

Now though, she can appreciate his strong jawline, the way the sunlight hits his face, causing soft angles in places she never thought possible. The pale pink of his full lips, to his strong nose, full eyebrows and the dusting of eyelashes hiding his eyes from sight.

She shouldn't be going there with these thoughts, these little observations. It's not safe, not healthy at all. Just as she thinks to look away though, he catches her gaze and holds it there.

For a moment, Mitchie wants to hate him. She wants to hate him as much as she hated him seconds after her told her off, she wants to never see his face again and it would be so much better off for the both of them.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Mitchie sits up, never breaks eye contact with him.

-_honestly I'm not okay I'm really not—_

"I'm good, I'm really good."

* * *

That night, as another attack rips across her skin and settles into her bones, she swears she can make out the soft melody of a guitar being played next door. She clasps her hands over her chest, and prays that this will all be over soon.


	7. June

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**08. July**

* * *

If there is one thing that she hates to do, it's lying. To add insult to the injury, she even lied to Shane just to cover up the fact that she's dying.

She doesn't mean to lie to him, it's only because she just doesn't want any sympathy or pity being thrust to her by the bucket load. She wants to be able to appear like a normal person going about her business and making her way through life, though with the way the pain has been increasing lately it's just making it a little bit harder to hide. She swears that sometimes Shane can hear the falter's in her voice as a jagged slash rips through her body and she thinks she once saw the worry in his eyes but when she looked a second later it was replaced by the cheerful glint that always sparkles.

She's called her mother and told her that she's coming to stay for a few weeks. It's been awhile since they've seen each other and they have so much to catch up on so naturally her mother is excited and she prattles on about a new shopping mall that has opened up a few blocks away and how her father is always busy at the hardware store and is never home to try out a new recipe she's put together in her spare time. Mitchie smiles when she realises just how much she misses home and as soon as she hangs up, she's dialling the number for the travel agency down the road so she can buy a ticket to New Jersey the next day.

She begins to pack the basics, such as clothes, toiletries and her notepad so she can keep herself occupied on the plane. Her suitcase gradually fills up over the next hour as Mitchie runs around her small house, finding objects and clothing items she thinks that she'll need over the next couple of weeks and as she walks by the kitchen, she notices the small bottle containing her painkillers is almost empty. Placing the sparkling earrings she's come across down on a side table, she walks into the kitchen and snatches the bottle before opening it up and looking inside.

There's only two left and it's far too late to head down to the pharmacy and ask for a new supply. Her hands are shaking and she feels a terrible headache growing inside her skull and she groans in pain as a sharp throbbing grows in her head. She lets go of the bottle, ignoring the loud clatter it makes when it hits the floor and her fingers grip the sides of her skull tight and Mitchie grits her teeth as the pain trickles down her spine before disappearing completely. She grips the edge of the counter and breathes in heavily for a few moments, making a mental note to go and buy some pills at a pharmacy in the airport.

She sleeps peacefully that night and wakes up with mixed emotions. She works out the kinks in her bones and turns off the shrill ringing noise emitting from her alarm clock before she heads towards her bathroom to have a quick shower. She looks in the mirror and gently brings her fingertips to her face, prodding softly against her pale skin, trying to hold back the shock of just how tired she looks and how fragile she appears then. The circles beneath her eyes are dark and the worry lines on her forehead are more prominent then they were a few months ago. She decides to ignore it as she bustles around making sure that she hasn't forgotten anything.

Mitchie hears a horn honk from her front yard, indicating her taxi has arrived and she makes her way outside, hanging onto both her suitcases for dear life and with a handbag slung over her shoulder threatening to fall off at any moment. She begins to devise a way that she can descend the stairs without dropping anything onto the ground and risk showing the whole world that she prefers skimpy cut underwear. Just as she's about to make her move, she hears footsteps and looks up to see Shane waltzing over to her with a smile on his face, which she returns gratefully.

"I could sense your dilemma from my house, need a hand?" He asks casually, not waiting for an answer as he wrenches both suitcases from her hold and waits for her to gather her wits together. She controls the butterflies in her stomach and thanks him profoundly as they both begin to walk to the sidewalk. Mitchie hangs onto her shoulder bag; her knuckles turning white from the pressure she's applying and when she's heard the sound of the suitcases hitting the sidewalk gently, and she sighs with relief.

"Thanks for that Shane; I don't know how I could have done that by myself."

Shane shrugs before scratching the back of his head and biting his lip. He looks nervous to Mitchie and she stifles a laugh at the sight of a nervous Shane, which is something no one has ever seen before. He helps her load her suitcases into the boot of the taxi and as soon as she shuts the hood, he pulls her into a gentle embrace. At first she's shocked by the fact that he's actually holding her, but when she gathers the intelligence to put her arms around his waist, she can feel the tension in his shoulders relax and she's relieved.

Mitchie doesn't know long they were standing there for with their arms around each other and her head resting against his chest but she finds that she doesn't want to let go. Her hold on him tightens, regardless of the pain that's going through her bones at that moment. She feels tears building up in her eyes and she pulls away quickly, ignoring the mental protest that's going on in her mind and smiles at him sadly. His face is composed but his eyes show a small sign of sadness that Mitchie hasn't ever seen on him before. He grips her hand softly and looks down to the ground, trying to hide his face from her.

"I know it's only going to be a couple of weeks, but I'm seriously going to miss you and our walks."

"Me too."

Shane smiles before letting go of her hand and opening the car door for her. She gets in, her hand feeling cold now that he wasn't holding it and looks up at him. He shuts the door and waves as the car drives off. Mitchie watches how he gets smaller and smaller until she can't see him anymore and she lies back into her seat, apologising to the disgruntled cab driver and promising a large tip once they arrived at the airport. The small display of friendly affection left her reeling and she battles back a smile that is threatening to form on her lips.

The next few hours are a blur as she arrives at the airport, hands a large wad of money to the cab driver and hurries to the departure section, handing in her suitcases and then hurrying to her departure gate and following the line of people getting on the plane. She falls asleep as the plane takes off as she begins to feel the stress of the day creep up in her bones which threaten to send harsh pains back throughout her body and only woke up when a flight attendant tapped her shoulder to inform her that they were landing.

She went through the process of getting together her luggage and just as she feels the last of her energy burn out, she hears her name being called out and looks around before her eyes rest on the figure of her excited mother waving her arm above the crowd. With more enthusiasm, Mitchie gathers together her baggage and hurries over to her mother, giving her a rather awkward hug as she refuses to let go of the suitcases. Her mother, Connie, chuckles softly and pulls back to take a good look at her daughter. Her eyes appear alarmed as she looks at Mitchie's face and her expression remains poised when she eyes the long sweater she has on, considering it's a hot day but Mitchie relaxes when she feels her mother's warm hand on her cheek and smiles back at her.

"I'm here."

The car ride back to her old home is quiet, with the radio playing dated music softly. Mitchie takes a deep breath, feeling a wave of nostalgia come over her as she recalls the hot summer days where her parents would insist on picking her up from school so she wouldn't get heat stroke on the overcrowded bus. She glances at her mother and takes in the appearance of the neatly organised mess of curls, the soft chubby face she inherited and the kind brown eyes that are concentrated on the road ahead. Connie hums along to the song that plays on the radio as if she's done it a million times before. The fact that Mitchie is in the car with her doesn't stop her normal routine.

They arrive back home after an hour or so and Mitchie feels giddy in her seat and she sees the old wooden fence standing proudly around the house, while the trees that surround the two storey menace cast intricately shaped shadows along the off white wooden panels that protect the home from the harmful nature outside. Connie pulls into the driveway and Mitchie takes a deep breath, happy that she's home. They carry her luggage up to her old room and she notes that it's still the way she left it, minus all the personal belongings that cluttered every free surface available to her.

Connie leaves her alone for awhile to settle in and Mitchie quickly throws her belongings in her old drawers and hangs up the more delicate clothes in her closet, sneezing when she got hit by a wave of dust. She walks back to her bed and throws herself down on it, wincing when she feels the searing pain shot through her body.

She should be used to it by now, but it's just beginning to hurt so much more.

Mitchie groans when she realises she forgot to buy the painkillers earlier that day and makes a mental note to dash down to the pharmacy tomorrow morning and replenish her supply.

The sunlight from outside filters through her half drawn blinds, casting striped shadows along her room and she watches the dust specks fly around in different directions in the warm light. She felt her eyelids droop and pretty soon the comfort of the bed and the soft atmosphere of the room lulled her to a blissful slumber. Her sleep is dreamless and it's only when she can hear her mother knocking at her door softly that she decides to open her eyes. The sunlight seems brighter than it did before and when she looks at her mother questioningly, her mother implies that it's early in the morning and she has been sleeping for quite some time.

"I knew you were tired Mitchie, so I just let you be. Your father was a bit disappointed because he wanted to see you last night but I told him to leave you alone and let you get some beauty sleep."

Mitchie grins at her mother while she sits up to stretch out her bones. There is surprisingly no pain as she works out all the knots and kinks in her body and she gets up to get together her beauty bag so she can go have a shower. Connie watches her daughter with amusement sparkling in her eyes and Mitchie notices after awhile and peers at her mother.

"What's so funny?"

Connie shrugs and heads over to Mitchie to give her a gentle hug. "I guess I just missed you sweetie, it's awfully loud now that you're gone. Seeing you rush around to do everything so quietly just reminds me of the old days back when you were in high school. I miss it."

She chuckles and squeezes her mother tighter before pulling away and running a few fingers through her hair and grimaces when she feels how oily it is. Connie sighs and pats her daughters shoulder before heading out of the room. "By the way, I'm cooking breakfast now, so try to be quick?"

Mitchie doesn't answer because she's just noticed the Connect Three poster tacked onto the back of her bedroom door. She blushes furiously and rushes over to it, intent on tearing it down so that Shane would never know, but she stops when she sees the recognizable tight white pants printed onto the poster and she looks at it properly to see the familiar faces of Shane, Nate and Jason staring back at her. She trails her fingers along Shane's brooding face and she shakes her head, feeling silly for what she just did. She heads to the bathroom with every intention of taking down that poster later.

After she done what she had to do, she quickly throws on a loose fitting shirt and jeans to cover the bruises on her legs and heads downstairs to see her mother bustle around in the kitchen and the mouth watering smell of cheese omelettes waft through the house. Mitchie's stomach grumbles and her mother laughs at her when she places two omelettes on a plate and hands it Mitchie, who takes it gratefully and scoffs it down. She feels full after just half of one however, so she heads to the sink and places the plate next to the clean dishes. Connie appears unimpressed.

"_Porcellana_, they're your favourite, why aren't you having the rest?"

Mitchie shrugs as she sits down at the kitchen table and winces when she bumps her arm against the edge of the table. She glances at it quickly and notices the skin is bruising so she hides her arm under the table just as her mother sits at the table with a steaming cup of coffee in front of her and a plate of brownies nearby. Mitchie looks out the window and looks at the warm summer day outside and watches how the children of the neighbourhood meet up with each other to play together. She smiles to herself at the fond memories of how she would used to be one of those children and only snaps out of it when her mother waves her hand in front of her eyes.

"Sorry mom got distracted."

"Like always baby, now tell me why you didn't eat please, you normally never refuse a plate of my cheese omelettes."

She shrugs again and plays with her fingers as she waits for her mother to scold her for not eating. She's surprised when Connie places a hand under her chin and lifts her face up to meet hers. Her eyes scrutinize every detail on Mitchie's face and when she looks away Mitchie bites her lip and hopes she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"You look so tired Mitchie, is everything okay?"

Mitchie lies quickly. "I'm fine mom, I've just been hanging out with a friend over the past few months and it just takes a lot out of me."

She shouldn't have said that.

Connie appears interested and her worries are quickly forgotten as she keeps a tight grip on her coffee cup, apparently too excited to drink anymore. The thing with Connie Torres was that once you mention that you've been busy with people, she'll just have to know who they are and how long you've known them. Mitchie places her head in her hands as her mother prattles on and asks questions that annoy her to no end.

"Oh so you've made friends? Who are they? What're their names? Are they nice? Are you nice to them? Mitchie baby tell me-"

"Mom, it's nothing too exciting, I've just been acting like a normal person should act and just go out with them for a few hours every day."

"Who are they?"

She groans and holds both of her mother's hands firmly as she looks into her curious brown eyes. She suppresses a laugh at her mother's intrigued expression and maintains her serious expression as she sounds out each word of her sentence.

"Promise you won't freak out okay," Connie nods quickly and Mitchie continues, willing silently that she'll stay true to her words, "but I've been friends with a guy called Shane Gray for a little while now and his name sounds familiar because he used to be the lead singer of that band I loved back in high school, remember?"

Whatever reaction Mitchie expects from her mother, it's certainly not the one she receives. Connie is surprisingly calm and she doesn't say anything as she grabs a brownie and takes a small bite out of it. She chews thoughtfully and Mitchie bites her lip and predicts the worst case scenario inside her mind. Her mother could have a heart attack over the fact that she's being friends with a guy or her mother could have a heart attack from all the sugar that's inside that one brownie. Connie swallows before facing Mitchie and she smiles wistfully.

"Of course I remember baby, you were in love with that band! You dragged me to so many of their concerts and I still haven't gotten my hearing back because of all the times that you would scream into my ear about how much you just love Shane Gray."

She blushes and hides her face underneath her damp hair. How could she remember all of that? Of course she would gush over them like every other teenage girl in the country because it's not normal to not be in love with Connect Three anyway. Mitchie still recalls being seated so far away from the stage but so close to the technical speakers in the stadium that she could hear Shane breathe into the microphone before he began to speak to the crowd.

She knew every word to every song whereas these days she didn't even remember who Shane Gray was.

"_Porcellana_," she says to her, "Tell me everything about him."

So that's what she done.

She told her mother about how he was such an arrogant jerk to her when they first met and how she confronted him and told him off for being a snob. She told her about how the next month it was as if they were trying to avoid each other so they could avoid another confrontation but he surprised her by agreeing with her useful analogy of kindness and she blushes furiously when her mother laughs about the cupcake incident before she demands that they make cupcakes while Mitchie is there. Her mother's eyes twinkle when Mitchie looks off in the distance when she recalls the various times she stumbled across him playing his guitar and how the music would soothe her after a hard day.

She moves onto when he first invited her on a walk and how they walked for five hours straight but it seemed like just five minutes back then. She explains that's when she found out he was in the band and she had to keep her cool and treat him like any other person and she found out that he just was like any other person only he had an attitude problem which she managed to fix somehow. Her heart flutters as she remembers the times when they would sit under her willow tree and he would play guitar as if no one was watching and how he would lose himself in the music and simply forget who and where he is.

Mitchie blinks back the hot tears as she tells her of the movie night she went to at his house and how she held his hand during the movie while no one was watching and just how frightened she really was that he would shake her off. Her mother smiles widely when she learns that wasn't the case and how they remained like that until the end of the movie until Jason switched the lights back on. She then tells her about the emotional embrace they shared before she left for the airport and when Mitchie finally takes a breath, she realises she has tears streaming down her face and she goes to wipe them away quickly but Connie's hand reaches her face first and she wipes away the shining teardrops before pulling her daughter into a motherly hug.

Nothing is said for awhile and Mitchie stays curled up in her mother's arms, inhaling her homely scent of wildflowers and kitchen appliances. Connie's hand strokes her daughter's hair smoothly and Mitchie winces when she feels a sharp tinge of pain down her spine, which she ignores quickly as she hears her mother speak.

"Now honey, it's different to everyone I know, but it sounds to me as though you're in love."

Mitchie sits up quickly and looks at her mother with an incredulous look on her face. "You're kidding me right? I just miss him a lot mom, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with him!"

Connie places her hand over Mitchie's own and Mitchie looks at it. The slightly aged hand of her mother's doesn't look any different from her own save for the few burn marks from the oven and the slight tan that her mother has built up over the years. She looks into her mother's eyes and see's the truth sparkling beneath the brown iris.

"Look deep inside yourself Mitchie, you know it's true. I felt the exact same way about your father when I was younger and you have the same symptoms as me. I think that you love Shane baby, I honestly do."

How could she be in love with Shane Gray? He was just a good friend to Mitchie, almost a best friend. The most they had ever done that would not be considered normal in a friendship status was that hug just before she left earlier yesterday. Her heart beats faster as she remembers the signs of sadness that seemed to reflect in his eyes and how he just didn't want to let go once she managed to pull herself free from his hold. She just can't be in love with Shane Gray; it's not theoretically possible in Mitchie's case because fairytales aren't real in her current scenario.

When she comes to think about it however she loves being around Shane. She loves going on their walks and she loves just being around him, even when he's goofing off and being a complete fool in public. She loves the way his eyes shine and the way he smiles randomly when they talk and she loves the way he just is always there with her and she loves the way he smiles at _her_. She loves the way the skin on his hands can seem so smooth regardless of how much he plays the guitar. She loves the way his hair is always so messy yet it just seems as though it's meant to be that way and she loves how her hand fits his hand and she loves, she loves...

She loves Shane Gray.

It was as if she was having an epiphany, with the sudden realisation of the whole matter finally hitting her hard against her head. She could almost see the two of them together and she felt a sudden warmth rush through her and numb the pinching pain that's running through her body at that moment. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting all her emotions and thoughts escape in one swell swoop and when she opened her eyes, she could see her mother eying her with apprehension as if she thought she was wrong and that her intuition was wrong for once.

Mitchie smiles shyly at her before nodding her head and parting her lips to say the four words that will echo in her mind for the rest of her stay.

"I love Shane Gray."

Connie Torres claps her hands together in delight before hugging her daughter quickly and chattering on about how proud she is of her and that they should keep it a secret from her father for the time being but Mitchie doesn't process anything her mother is saying in that moment. Her stomach is churning and all pain is forgotten as she remembers Shane's strong arms around her the day before and how it just seems so rightfor his arms to be around her. She smiles at her mother absently and takes the brownie she offers her. It's only then that she realises something and she quickly grips the brownie tighter without crushing it to bits so she doesn't accidentally let it fall to the ground.

She's in love with Shane Gray. And she has to tell him before it's too late.


	8. July

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**08. July**

* * *

If there is one thing that she hates to do, it's lying. To add insult to the injury, she even lied to Shane just to cover up the fact that she's dying.

She doesn't mean to lie to him, it's only because she just doesn't want any sympathy or pity being thrust to her by the bucket load. She wants to be able to appear like a normal person going about her business and making her way through life, though with the way the pain has been increasing lately it's just making it a little bit harder to hide. She swears that sometimes Shane can hear the falter's in her voice as a jagged slash rips through her body and she thinks she once saw the worry in his eyes but when she looked a second later it was replaced by the cheerful glint that always sparkles.

She's called her mother and told her that she's coming to stay for a few weeks. It's been awhile since they've seen each other and they have so much to catch up on so naturally her mother is excited and she prattles on about a new shopping mall that has opened up a few blocks away and how her father is always busy at the hardware store and is never home to try out a new recipe she's put together in her spare time. Mitchie smiles when she realises just how much she misses home and as soon as she hangs up, she's dialling the number for the travel agency down the road so she can buy a ticket to New Jersey the next day.

She begins to pack the basics, such as clothes, toiletries and her notepad so she can keep herself occupied on the plane. Her suitcase gradually fills up over the next hour as Mitchie runs around her small house, finding objects and clothing items she thinks that she'll need over the next couple of weeks and as she walks by the kitchen, she notices the small bottle containing her painkillers is almost empty. Placing the sparkling earrings she's come across down on a side table, she walks into the kitchen and snatches the bottle before opening it up and looking inside.

There's only two left and it's far too late to head down to the pharmacy and ask for a new supply. Her hands are shaking and she feels a terrible headache growing inside her skull and she groans in pain as a sharp throbbing grows in her head. She lets go of the bottle, ignoring the loud clatter it makes when it hits the floor and her fingers grip the sides of her skull tight and Mitchie grits her teeth as the pain trickles down her spine before disappearing completely. She grips the edge of the counter and breathes in heavily for a few moments, making a mental note to go and buy some pills at a pharmacy in the airport.

She sleeps peacefully that night and wakes up with mixed emotions. She works out the kinks in her bones and turns off the shrill ringing noise emitting from her alarm clock before she heads towards her bathroom to have a quick shower. She looks in the mirror and gently brings her fingertips to her face, prodding softly against her pale skin, trying to hold back the shock of just how tired she looks and how fragile she appears then. The circles beneath her eyes are dark and the worry lines on her forehead are more prominent then they were a few months ago. She decides to ignore it as she bustles around making sure that she hasn't forgotten anything.

Mitchie hears a horn honk from her front yard, indicating her taxi has arrived and she makes her way outside, hanging onto both her suitcases for dear life and with a handbag slung over her shoulder threatening to fall off at any moment. She begins to devise a way that she can descend the stairs without dropping anything onto the ground and risk showing the whole world that she prefers skimpy cut underwear. Just as she's about to make her move, she hears footsteps and looks up to see Shane waltzing over to her with a smile on his face, which she returns gratefully.

"I could sense your dilemma from my house, need a hand?" He asks casually, not waiting for an answer as he wrenches both suitcases from her hold and waits for her to gather her wits together. She controls the butterflies in her stomach and thanks him profoundly as they both begin to walk to the sidewalk. Mitchie hangs onto her shoulder bag; her knuckles turning white from the pressure she's applying and when she's heard the sound of the suitcases hitting the sidewalk gently, and she sighs with relief.

"Thanks for that Shane; I don't know how I could have done that by myself."

Shane shrugs before scratching the back of his head and biting his lip. He looks nervous to Mitchie and she stifles a laugh at the sight of a nervous Shane, which is something no one has ever seen before. He helps her load her suitcases into the boot of the taxi and as soon as she shuts the hood, he pulls her into a gentle embrace. At first she's shocked by the fact that he's actually holding her, but when she gathers the intelligence to put her arms around his waist, she can feel the tension in his shoulders relax and she's relieved.

Mitchie doesn't know long they were standing there for with their arms around each other and her head resting against his chest but she finds that she doesn't want to let go. Her hold on him tightens, regardless of the pain that's going through her bones at that moment. She feels tears building up in her eyes and she pulls away quickly, ignoring the mental protest that's going on in her mind and smiles at him sadly. His face is composed but his eyes show a small sign of sadness that Mitchie hasn't ever seen on him before. He grips her hand softly and looks down to the ground, trying to hide his face from her.

"I know it's only going to be a couple of weeks, but I'm seriously going to miss you and our walks."

"Me too."

Shane smiles before letting go of her hand and opening the car door for her. She gets in, her hand feeling cold now that he wasn't holding it and looks up at him. He shuts the door and waves as the car drives off. Mitchie watches how he gets smaller and smaller until she can't see him anymore and she lies back into her seat, apologising to the disgruntled cab driver and promising a large tip once they arrived at the airport. The small display of friendly affection left her reeling and she battles back a smile that is threatening to form on her lips.

The next few hours are a blur as she arrives at the airport, hands a large wad of money to the cab driver and hurries to the departure section, handing in her suitcases and then hurrying to her departure gate and following the line of people getting on the plane. She falls asleep as the plane takes off as she begins to feel the stress of the day creep up in her bones which threaten to send harsh pains back throughout her body and only woke up when a flight attendant tapped her shoulder to inform her that they were landing.

She went through the process of getting together her luggage and just as she feels the last of her energy burn out, she hears her name being called out and looks around before her eyes rest on the figure of her excited mother waving her arm above the crowd. With more enthusiasm, Mitchie gathers together her baggage and hurries over to her mother, giving her a rather awkward hug as she refuses to let go of the suitcases. Her mother, Connie, chuckles softly and pulls back to take a good look at her daughter. Her eyes appear alarmed as she looks at Mitchie's face and her expression remains poised when she eyes the long sweater she has on, considering it's a hot day but Mitchie relaxes when she feels her mother's warm hand on her cheek and smiles back at her.

"I'm here."

The car ride back to her old home is quiet, with the radio playing dated music softly. Mitchie takes a deep breath, feeling a wave of nostalgia come over her as she recalls the hot summer days where her parents would insist on picking her up from school so she wouldn't get heat stroke on the overcrowded bus. She glances at her mother and takes in the appearance of the neatly organised mess of curls, the soft chubby face she inherited and the kind brown eyes that are concentrated on the road ahead. Connie hums along to the song that plays on the radio as if she's done it a million times before. The fact that Mitchie is in the car with her doesn't stop her normal routine.

They arrive back home after an hour or so and Mitchie feels giddy in her seat and she sees the old wooden fence standing proudly around the house, while the trees that surround the two storey menace cast intricately shaped shadows along the off white wooden panels that protect the home from the harmful nature outside. Connie pulls into the driveway and Mitchie takes a deep breath, happy that she's home. They carry her luggage up to her old room and she notes that it's still the way she left it, minus all the personal belongings that cluttered every free surface available to her.

Connie leaves her alone for awhile to settle in and Mitchie quickly throws her belongings in her old drawers and hangs up the more delicate clothes in her closet, sneezing when she got hit by a wave of dust. She walks back to her bed and throws herself down on it, wincing when she feels the searing pain shot through her body.

She should be used to it by now, but it's just beginning to hurt so much more.

Mitchie groans when she realises she forgot to buy the painkillers earlier that day and makes a mental note to dash down to the pharmacy tomorrow morning and replenish her supply.

The sunlight from outside filters through her half drawn blinds, casting striped shadows along her room and she watches the dust specks fly around in different directions in the warm light. She felt her eyelids droop and pretty soon the comfort of the bed and the soft atmosphere of the room lulled her to a blissful slumber. Her sleep is dreamless and it's only when she can hear her mother knocking at her door softly that she decides to open her eyes. The sunlight seems brighter than it did before and when she looks at her mother questioningly, her mother implies that it's early in the morning and she has been sleeping for quite some time.

"I knew you were tired Mitchie, so I just let you be. Your father was a bit disappointed because he wanted to see you last night but I told him to leave you alone and let you get some beauty sleep."

Mitchie grins at her mother while she sits up to stretch out her bones. There is surprisingly no pain as she works out all the knots and kinks in her body and she gets up to get together her beauty bag so she can go have a shower. Connie watches her daughter with amusement sparkling in her eyes and Mitchie notices after awhile and peers at her mother.

"What's so funny?"

Connie shrugs and heads over to Mitchie to give her a gentle hug. "I guess I just missed you sweetie, it's awfully loud now that you're gone. Seeing you rush around to do everything so quietly just reminds me of the old days back when you were in high school. I miss it."

She chuckles and squeezes her mother tighter before pulling away and running a few fingers through her hair and grimaces when she feels how oily it is. Connie sighs and pats her daughters shoulder before heading out of the room. "By the way, I'm cooking breakfast now, so try to be quick?"

Mitchie doesn't answer because she's just noticed the Connect Three poster tacked onto the back of her bedroom door. She blushes furiously and rushes over to it, intent on tearing it down so that Shane would never know, but she stops when she sees the recognizable tight white pants printed onto the poster and she looks at it properly to see the familiar faces of Shane, Nate and Jason staring back at her. She trails her fingers along Shane's brooding face and she shakes her head, feeling silly for what she just did. She heads to the bathroom with every intention of taking down that poster later.

After she done what she had to do, she quickly throws on a loose fitting shirt and jeans to cover the bruises on her legs and heads downstairs to see her mother bustle around in the kitchen and the mouth watering smell of cheese omelettes waft through the house. Mitchie's stomach grumbles and her mother laughs at her when she places two omelettes on a plate and hands it Mitchie, who takes it gratefully and scoffs it down. She feels full after just half of one however, so she heads to the sink and places the plate next to the clean dishes. Connie appears unimpressed.

"_Porcellana_, they're your favourite, why aren't you having the rest?"

Mitchie shrugs as she sits down at the kitchen table and winces when she bumps her arm against the edge of the table. She glances at it quickly and notices the skin is bruising so she hides her arm under the table just as her mother sits at the table with a steaming cup of coffee in front of her and a plate of brownies nearby. Mitchie looks out the window and looks at the warm summer day outside and watches how the children of the neighbourhood meet up with each other to play together. She smiles to herself at the fond memories of how she would used to be one of those children and only snaps out of it when her mother waves her hand in front of her eyes.

"Sorry mom got distracted."

"Like always baby, now tell me why you didn't eat please, you normally never refuse a plate of my cheese omelettes."

She shrugs again and plays with her fingers as she waits for her mother to scold her for not eating. She's surprised when Connie places a hand under her chin and lifts her face up to meet hers. Her eyes scrutinize every detail on Mitchie's face and when she looks away Mitchie bites her lip and hopes she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"You look so tired Mitchie, is everything okay?"

Mitchie lies quickly. "I'm fine mom, I've just been hanging out with a friend over the past few months and it just takes a lot out of me."

She shouldn't have said that.

Connie appears interested and her worries are quickly forgotten as she keeps a tight grip on her coffee cup, apparently too excited to drink anymore. The thing with Connie Torres was that once you mention that you've been busy with people, she'll just have to know who they are and how long you've known them. Mitchie places her head in her hands as her mother prattles on and asks questions that annoy her to no end.

"Oh so you've made friends? Who are they? What're their names? Are they nice? Are you nice to them? Mitchie baby tell me-"

"Mom, it's nothing too exciting, I've just been acting like a normal person should act and just go out with them for a few hours every day."

"Who are they?"

She groans and holds both of her mother's hands firmly as she looks into her curious brown eyes. She suppresses a laugh at her mother's intrigued expression and maintains her serious expression as she sounds out each word of her sentence.

"Promise you won't freak out okay," Connie nods quickly and Mitchie continues, willing silently that she'll stay true to her words, "but I've been friends with a guy called Shane Gray for a little while now and his name sounds familiar because he used to be the lead singer of that band I loved back in high school, remember?"

Whatever reaction Mitchie expects from her mother, it's certainly not the one she receives. Connie is surprisingly calm and she doesn't say anything as she grabs a brownie and takes a small bite out of it. She chews thoughtfully and Mitchie bites her lip and predicts the worst case scenario inside her mind. Her mother could have a heart attack over the fact that she's being friends with a guy or her mother could have a heart attack from all the sugar that's inside that one brownie. Connie swallows before facing Mitchie and she smiles wistfully.

"Of course I remember baby, you were in love with that band! You dragged me to so many of their concerts and I still haven't gotten my hearing back because of all the times that you would scream into my ear about how much you just love Shane Gray."

She blushes and hides her face underneath her damp hair. How could she remember all of that? Of course she would gush over them like every other teenage girl in the country because it's not normal to not be in love with Connect Three anyway. Mitchie still recalls being seated so far away from the stage but so close to the technical speakers in the stadium that she could hear Shane breathe into the microphone before he began to speak to the crowd.

She knew every word to every song whereas these days she didn't even remember who Shane Gray was.

"_Porcellana_," she says to her, "Tell me everything about him."

So that's what she done.

She told her mother about how he was such an arrogant jerk to her when they first met and how she confronted him and told him off for being a snob. She told her about how the next month it was as if they were trying to avoid each other so they could avoid another confrontation but he surprised her by agreeing with her useful analogy of kindness and she blushes furiously when her mother laughs about the cupcake incident before she demands that they make cupcakes while Mitchie is there. Her mother's eyes twinkle when Mitchie looks off in the distance when she recalls the various times she stumbled across him playing his guitar and how the music would soothe her after a hard day.

She moves onto when he first invited her on a walk and how they walked for five hours straight but it seemed like just five minutes back then. She explains that's when she found out he was in the band and she had to keep her cool and treat him like any other person and she found out that he just was like any other person only he had an attitude problem which she managed to fix somehow. Her heart flutters as she remembers the times when they would sit under her willow tree and he would play guitar as if no one was watching and how he would lose himself in the music and simply forget who and where he is.

Mitchie blinks back the hot tears as she tells her of the movie night she went to at his house and how she held his hand during the movie while no one was watching and just how frightened she really was that he would shake her off. Her mother smiles widely when she learns that wasn't the case and how they remained like that until the end of the movie until Jason switched the lights back on. She then tells her about the emotional embrace they shared before she left for the airport and when Mitchie finally takes a breath, she realises she has tears streaming down her face and she goes to wipe them away quickly but Connie's hand reaches her face first and she wipes away the shining teardrops before pulling her daughter into a motherly hug.

Nothing is said for awhile and Mitchie stays curled up in her mother's arms, inhaling her homely scent of wildflowers and kitchen appliances. Connie's hand strokes her daughter's hair smoothly and Mitchie winces when she feels a sharp tinge of pain down her spine, which she ignores quickly as she hears her mother speak.

"Now honey, it's different to everyone I know, but it sounds to me as though you're in love."

Mitchie sits up quickly and looks at her mother with an incredulous look on her face. "You're kidding me right? I just miss him a lot mom, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with him!"

Connie places her hand over Mitchie's own and Mitchie looks at it. The slightly aged hand of her mother's doesn't look any different from her own save for the few burn marks from the oven and the slight tan that her mother has built up over the years. She looks into her mother's eyes and see's the truth sparkling beneath the brown iris.

"Look deep inside yourself Mitchie, you know it's true. I felt the exact same way about your father when I was younger and you have the same symptoms as me. I think that you love Shane baby, I honestly do."

How could she be in love with Shane Gray? He was just a good friend to Mitchie, almost a best friend. The most they had ever done that would not be considered normal in a friendship status was that hug just before she left earlier yesterday. Her heart beats faster as she remembers the signs of sadness that seemed to reflect in his eyes and how he just didn't want to let go once she managed to pull herself free from his hold. She just can't be in love with Shane Gray; it's not theoretically possible in Mitchie's case because fairytales aren't real in her current scenario.

When she comes to think about it however she loves being around Shane. She loves going on their walks and she loves just being around him, even when he's goofing off and being a complete fool in public. She loves the way his eyes shine and the way he smiles randomly when they talk and she loves the way he just is always there with her and she loves the way he smiles at _her_. She loves the way the skin on his hands can seem so smooth regardless of how much he plays the guitar. She loves the way his hair is always so messy yet it just seems as though it's meant to be that way and she loves how her hand fits his hand and she loves, she loves...

She loves Shane Gray.

It was as if she was having an epiphany, with the sudden realisation of the whole matter finally hitting her hard against her head. She could almost see the two of them together and she felt a sudden warmth rush through her and numb the pinching pain that's running through her body at that moment. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting all her emotions and thoughts escape in one swell swoop and when she opened her eyes, she could see her mother eying her with apprehension as if she thought she was wrong and that her intuition was wrong for once.

Mitchie smiles shyly at her before nodding her head and parting her lips to say the four words that will echo in her mind for the rest of her stay.

"I love Shane Gray."

Connie Torres claps her hands together in delight before hugging her daughter quickly and chattering on about how proud she is of her and that they should keep it a secret from her father for the time being but Mitchie doesn't process anything her mother is saying in that moment. Her stomach is churning and all pain is forgotten as she remembers Shane's strong arms around her the day before and how it just seems so rightfor his arms to be around her. She smiles at her mother absently and takes the brownie she offers her. It's only then that she realises something and she quickly grips the brownie tighter without crushing it to bits so she doesn't accidentally let it fall to the ground.

She's in love with Shane Gray. And she has to tell him before it's too late.


	9. August

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**09. August**

* * *

The rest of her stay at her parents' home was uneventful.

She helps her mother with her catering menu for the fall and she travels with her father to the hardware store and with the smell of week old timber filling her senses somehow makes her feel as though she were the excited six year old her dad had brought to the store for the first time. She feels at a strange ease knowing that her parents are happy and possibly healthier than she'll ever be and her bones rattle in agreement.

On the last night in her familiar bedroom after her parents had fallen asleep, she sits cross legged on her old bed and stares out the open window and into the night sky. The deep blue stretches out to no end and is only interrupted by the various clusters of stars that spring up in random areas of the sky. Her gaze travels to the lonely moon sitting high above the earth as though it was God himself. Mitchie giggles softly when she realises that her reflection of the moon imitates Shane Gray himself.

He was still a little cocky after all.

Her heart hammers at the very thought of him and she pushes away each thought of him so she can think about what's going to happen now. She hasn't told her parents and she doesn't plan on telling her parents that she's going to die. Mitchie could already see them scrutinizing her every movement and pressuring her to get treatment to save herself. She can already see herself disagreeing because she wants to live as though everything were normal rather than receive the sympathy act and get hideous looks of pity thrown her way.

She doesn't want that.

Even after a restful night's sleep and a hectic morning of packing last minute items and saying goodbye to her parents, Mitchie still can't help but think about the sickness inside of her. She's surprised by the fact it's taking so long to eat away at her yet she's also grateful for it. She needs this time and she needs to work out how everything is going to work out and she needs to step back and take a good look at what is happening around her. As she arrives at the airport and makes her way through the airport to drop off her bags and hand in her boarding pass, her mind is still abuzz with the prospect of going back home and having to face Shane.

She stops thinking for a moment as she gets on the plane and once she's in the air she gazes out her window and watches the clouds beneath the wings of the plane grow darker with every passing metre. Her mind is adrift, similar to that of the plane itself and she sighs. What happened back in July confused her greatly and it wasn't making this situation any easier. The fact that she held his hand and the fact that her own mother convinced her that she is in love with Shane and the fact she's dying slowly of cancer makes her head hurt and her pale skin burn.

She wasn't sure if Shane Gray felt the way she felt about him and she wasn't sure she wanted to know. She likes where they are now, wherever that is and she doesn't want to ruin the only genuine friendship she's had in such a long time because she's in love with him. Mitchie can see why women can't be too friendly with men anymore, because they let their feelings get in the way of their friendships and it just ruins everything.

It was such a pity though, because Shane Gray was an enigma to her even though she knew him like the back of her hand.

He said enough about himself to let people know who he was, but not who he really was. There was always an aura of mystery about him that kept Mitchie guessing and he always hid behind that gleaming smile he would flash in her direction whenever she asked a complicated question. He was stunningly beautiful and his appearance could rival Gabriel himself. The way he sang and the way he played his guitar was so composed, so tranquil ... it just sent shivers down her spine.

But she wasn't attracted to the opaque mystery that was Shane Gray.

Mitchie was attracted to the way he made her feel around him. She couldn't even describe it herself and she was still stumped for answers when the plane landed a few hours later. Once again, she pushed every thought of Shane Gray to the back of her already cluttered mind and made her way through the airport, gathering her bags and hailing a taxi so she could get home and take a long rest because she could feel the sharp tingles erupt in her body again.

And she wasn't prepared to fight it off this time.

The day had turned dark when Mitchie stepped out of the cab. She felt the humid rush of wind ruffle her already tousled hair and she quickly grabbed her suitcases, paid the driver and hurried across her front lawn towards the familiar patio steps that seemed to welcome her back much better than the weather was at that moment. She cast a glance at the house opposite her own and was disappointed to see that there was no movement in or around the house, save for the trees that were bending over in the wind and the eerie rustling sound of the thousands of leaves attached to the branches.

She unlocked her front door and dragged her bags inside, before rushing to the kitchen and groping around for any form of painkillers. She hadn't felt the need to buy them back in New Jersey as there had been little to no cancer related aches yet now that she had returned home and was faced with the whole idea of admitting to Shane that she was in love with him had somehow triggered her cancer and sent the dull pains across her chest and arms. As soon as she felt the small pill packet beneath her fingertips, she popped out four of them and swallowed them dry.

The wind outside seemed to push against the house with more force than before and she ignored it as she headed over to her answering machine and checked to see if there were any messages for her while she was gone. She moves around the room and smiles as she listens to her mother's concerned voice, telling her that she forgot a shirt that might be important to her and that she'll have a courier send it to her. The next few messages are meaningless to Mitchie and she heads into her bedroom intent on having another rest until the next message sends a panic through her body.

"_Michelle Torres? This is your Doctor here, Doctor Brown. It seems as though you're not home right now and it's as if that's the case for now. Anyway, this is completely unprofessional of me but I'm not sure when I'll be able to get hold of you. The results from your last blood test came back and I'm afraid it's bad news. Judging by these results, I'm giving you four to six months. I'm terribly sorry Michelle, but there's nothing that we can do..."_

Her heart beats softly against her chest as the dial tone rings through the room and ends the message. She clenches her hands into fists and tries so hard not to let the tears fall from her eyes but when she feels a hot trail down her cheek, she realises her willpower has crumbled. Four to six months is far too short a time to work everything out. It's almost like a nightmare to Mitchie now and she places her head in her hands and cries her heart out. Her sobs ring through the room and the echo left behind is nothing compared to the menacing winds pushing against her house outside.

She's...

She's dying.

Her feet walk her slowly to her front door and she sniffles into the palm of hand. She wasn't able to beat this thing inside of her and now she doesn't have enough time left to just work everything out and tell everyone she knows that she's dying. Mitchie can feel the stabbing jolts begin in her body but it feels like a dull numbness to her as she walks like a zombie through her front door. She ignores the sharp cold wind digging at her skin because it just feels like what everything else has felt like to her for the past few months. She goes down her patio stairs and feels the freezing rain beat against her skin but she doesn't register that it's there as she slowly heads over to the willow tree.

Pain pain pain.

She can't help but wonder if dying hurts and even though she's so far away from it, she realises just how close she really is to it. Her salty tears mix in with the rain and she doesn't acknowledge the fact that the raindrops are considerably mistier than they were before because the tendrils of the willow tree branches are cushioning their blow. The air smells damp and she can taste the soil on her tongue and before she realises, she's on all fours screaming at the same level as the rain and pounding the ground with her fists.

She's dying. She's really dying.

Her knuckles are throbbing from striking the ground with all her strength and still on her knees; she grabs her head with her hands and scrunches up her face in a desperate attempt to knock out any thoughts that may be trying to sneak in at that moment. She has cancer, she's dying, she doesn't have long left, she loves Shane Gray. The misty rain falls against her fallen form gently as though it is trying to sooth her and she pushes away the wet hair stuck on the back of her neck and takes another shuddering breath, wincing as a knife like slash runs through her body.

The pain seems to echo her emotions as they are strong and full of heartache. Her head is pounding and she falls back onto her ankles and leans against the damp tree trunk, feeling her calm down as the wetness of the trunk seeps into her clothes. Her arms and legs are shaking and her face hurts from her breakdown. She tries to block out every thought that's threatening to intercept her mind but loses the battle and sobs softly as a thick onslaught of damaging topics run through her mind like a marathon.

The cancer has already won and it's far too late to even consider getting treatment for it. Her parents still don't know that she's fighting a losing battle and Shane Gray doesn't know that she's in love with him. The last thought sends a sharp mental pain through her heart and she clutches her hands over her chest and lets a fresh wave of tears leave her eyes.

She's in love. She loves Shane and she's going to break his heart.

Maybe she shouldn't tell him, maybe she should just let it be and hope the feeling is nothing more than a schoolgirl crush or maybe she should avoid him like a plague and make excuses every time he asks her to do something with him.

"Mitchie, are you okay?"

Mitchie breaks out of her riviera and gasps discreetly when she sees a soaking wet Shane Gray standing just in front of the tendrils of the willow branches. His hair has a slight wave to it due to the rain and his eyes are flooded with worry. She doesn't note the fact that he looks as though he's too dressed up to be hanging around at home, with his trademark white pants and black buttoned shirt but her heart manages a small flutter when she sees the panicked expression on his always cheerful face.

He begins to slowly walk towards her and she unconsciously pushes herself against the tree trunk in a desperate attempt to get away from him. Right now, he's the last person she really wants to see. She makes a move to stand up but as she begins to push herself off the ground, her bones suddenly begin to burn with the fire of a thousand suns and she cries out in pain before sinking back to the ground sobbing erratically. She shuts her eyes and through her pain she can hear Shane hurry towards her in a panic and place his hands on both of her shoulders. His hands provide warmth to the sharp chill that races through Mitchie's body and she instantly stops shaking.

"Mitchie, can you hear me?"

Mitchie nods and feels her eyes well up with more tears. She opens her eyes to blink away the tears and takes a deep breath when she realises she can see every detail on his face which is very close to her own. Her eyes wander his features, taking in the soft peachy lips which are parted slightly and appear to be taking a few quick breaths before following the scattered trail of beauty marks before finally resting on his wide hazel eyes. Mitchie notes how the pool of hazel in front of her invites her in and she unconsciously leans in closer to Shane before realising what she was doing and pulls away.

The next words that utter from his lips take her by surprise but she finally lets the tears fall free.

"Tess wasn't lying then."

She hangs her head and cries openly in front of Shane, ignoring the soft raindrops that fall onto the back of her neck. Tess spilled and now Shane, possibly everyone else knew what she was going through.

Except nobody knows what she's going through.

They don't know that every day she has to grit her teeth and bear the pain. They just don't know.

Mitchie pushes Shane away and stands up, using the tree trunk as her support. She sways on the spot for a moment before taking a breath and beginning to walk away. She doesn't want to deal with this now; she can't deal with this now.

"You can't avoid me forever Mitchie!"

Mitchie spins around and sees that the once concerned expression on Shane's face has changed to something that looks menacing and betrayed. Her heart clenches for a moment before Mitchie glares back at him.

"I think I can thank you very much. I can do what I want, you're not my mother."

"You haven't told her have you? What about your mother and father, have you told them? Why didn't you tell me Mitchie? You told Tess-"

"I never told Tess anything, she guessed it Shane!"

Shane scoffed, rolling his eyes in process before watching Mitchie with sharp venom in his gaze. "I don't believe it, she may be smart but not at that level to tell when someone has cancer! She said you told her that night we watched a movie together two months ago. How could you do this Mitchie? Why didn't you tell me? How could you do this to everyone, to me?"

An insulted look appears on Mitchie's face and she stomps towards Shane, her eyes trained on his face at all times, which was still covered in fury. She reached him and almost felt like snarling at him just so she could get a reaction from him.

"How could I do this to you Shane Gray? Fine, I'll tell you why I'm doing this to you. For the past seven months I've had the weight of the fact that I'm dying from an incurable illness on my shoulders and no one to talk to about it. I never wanted or expected that I would find someone like you to call a friend and I never for one minute planned on being here having this argument with you!"

Shane remained silent, still listening intently and the look in his eyes was still as strong as ever.

"I never told you or anyone because I didn't want to be pitied. I wanted to live out my last year like normal and I wanted to do things that a normal person would do because there is a part of me that still believes I'm as healthy as a damn horse but instead, none of that happened. I met you Shane Gray and all of a sudden, my idea was obsolete. I realised just how much I loved being with you and being around you. I looked forward to seeing you every day, regardless of how much of a jerk you really we-are_._"

Mitchie saw how the look on Shane's face had softened immensely and the look in his eyes had dimmed down considerably. Now he looks as though he was actually listening to what she has to say, instead of being a stubborn person and refusing to hear her out due to blind rage. She doesn't realise that his own hand has now grasped hers firmly and she considers for a moment that she should stop telling him off and apologize but her anger refuses to stop.

"I never told Tess that I had cancer, she said she knew the signs of one because her own mother was a cancer sufferer Shane. I couldn't deny it either because it seemed legit, but that's not the point. Shane, I just never told you because I wanted to be normal and not have any pity actions or have you look at me in a different way because I am different. I'm so different to everyone else right now and I'm scared Shane. I thought I could do this by myself but I'm not so sure anymore.

His hand grips hers a little tighter and she finally registers it, feeling a small flush rise to her cheeks and make her face feel warmer than it should in the cold air surrounding them.

"I wish I never met you Shane, because now that I'm really thinking about it, I am hurting you more than you're hurting me. I thought that I could just be your friend and nothing else but in fact I think it's become something more than me being your friend. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to meet a guy like you who could change moods at the drop of a hat or be there for me when I needed a hand to hold. I never wanted to meet you because I already knew the outcome of these feelings. I'm going to break your heart and I'm not going to be here to apologise."

She looks into his eyes, and she finds her vision is blurred by the thick tears swimming in her eyes. She blinks and lets them fall down her face before looking at Shane clearly once again. His face is shining with realisation and his own eyes seem to glimmer more than they usually do. They are trained on her every movement, on every flutter her eyes make and every tremble of her lip. He brings his free hand up to her face and gently wipes away the tears that fall slowly down her cheek. She almost jumps from the shock that radiates off of his fingertips but she bites her lip and does her best to ignore it as well as the throbbing pains running up and down her legs.

Mitchie takes a deep breath and decides that it's either now or never. She has to know the outcome of this. She can't help but feel he'll simply leave her and never talk to her again. There's no part of her that believes that he will stay and hold her as she falls apart from the inside out. Her hands shake from the tension of the moment and she blinks before looking up at Shane once again, who seems to have held his breath as he waits for her next sentence.

"I love you."

She feels as though a large weight has been lifted off of her chest and she lets the tears fall free.

She can't look at him right now because she knows that his face will be just a pained and heartbroken expression. It feels as though an eternity passes since she said it but it's only been seconds really. The wind seems to have died down and she can hear the gentle rustling of the willow branches and the sounds of the rain pattering against the leaves. She can sense Shane is still standing there and she listens to him breathe. It sounds even and uninterrupted. She hesitates to look at him and it's only another second later that she realises that one hand is still holding hers and the other is still on her cheek.

Mitchie opens her eyes to look at Shane and before she can realise what is happening, he's titled her head up and brought his face closer to hers. She can't help but inhale his ever changing scent of cinnamon and musk and then she realises he's closed the short distance between them and pressed his lips against her own in a tender gesture.

She closes her eyes and beneath all the sadness, all the despair, there's a glimmer of happiness.

She can feel the contour of his own lips against hers and she eagerly takes more of it in, pushing herself against his mouth in a cautious manner and he allows her to have that small pleasure. She feels his hands leave her face and the grip on her other hand and encircle her waist gently. She does the same without thinking about it and she doesn't squirm when their tongues meet. He tastes simply divine and she doesn't want this to end.

In their kiss, she can sense everything he's feeling at that moment. She can sense the happiness, the joy and the appreciation of this long awaited moment. But beneath all of the wonderful feelings, there is despair, there is a battle raging inside of him that can't be won alone, there is a never ending panic that refuses to stop and there is a small hint of desperation and hesitation.

It's frightening but beautiful.

Her fingers trail up his back and through his thick now wavy hair and he makes a little appreciative little sound and pushes himself against her, losing every part of himself in the kiss. She can feel how his heartbeat has sped up a considerable amount and she manages a small smile into the kiss. It was only when she felt a salty raindrop run down his face was when she pulled away and saw that he was crying.

Her heart broke into pieces when she saw the shining tears in his eyes. He still had his arms wrapped around her slim waist and she still had her hands entangled in his hair. She slowly brought them down to cup his face. He watched her intently and he shuddered underneath her touch as she gently wiped away the wetness under his eyes with her thumbs before resting her forehead against his. She brushed her lips against the corner of his mouth affectionately before nuzzling her nose against his cheek.

"I'm so sorry Shane, really I am."

She manages to break away from his hold and she begins to walk towards the willow branches. She can feel the sadness set in one more time and she fights the feeling away. It was worth a shot and at least something did come out of her confession but she knew it wasn't going to have a typical fairytale ending. Mitchie realises that the pain that had been ravaging through her just moments before had disappeared. She tightens her fists hoping to get some reaction from them yet gets nothing at all.

"I'm the one who should be sorry."

Mitchie stops and turns around, a slightly surprised expression on her face. Shane Gray never apologises to anyone with so much empathy in his voice. It was almost scary. He moves towards Mitchie and wrapped his arms around her again and this time she made sure her arms went snugly around his neck. She buries her face in the crook of his neck and inhales deeply.

"You're not going to be alone in this anymore alright?"

She begins to shake her head but Shane wouldn't have any of it. He tightens his hold on her and she winces briefly, a trickle of fear running down her spine which somehow causes her to shudder.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted you to say those words. I love you too and I'm not saying it because you are, I'm saying it because I mean it from the bottom of my own heart. When we met, I couldn't believe that someone finally outed me at my own game and from then on in I was hooked. You were like an addictive drug, and I needed more. I'm not sure when I fell in love with you Mitchie, but when you left for the airport that day I knew that when you came back, nothing would be the same."

He brushes his lips against her forehead and they stay like that for awhile.

"Tess cornered me a couple of days after you left you know. We had another movie night and we got into an argument about it. Everyone heard her and didn't believe her because she has a habit of making things up to get attention. We left it at that but what she said had been bugging me for awhile after that. That's when I realised something though. You were always covered in bruises, you always seemed to be exhausted, even if you were sitting down and you always had a look of pain in your eyes. I think that was around then I stopped thinking about you as a friend and started to fall in love."

Shane loved her. Shane loved her. She couldn't believe it.

A warm feeling rose inside of her and she's in a blissful daze. Shane Gray was in love with her. It was almost as though it were a fairytale. She wonders if he thinks about her like she thinks about him and if whenever they embrace that his heart would hammer at the fact that he's holding her. She cracks a smile at the thought and looks up at Shane, whose face is covered in determination and his brilliant hazel eyes are shining like they used to. There is no heartache hidden in the pools of hazel and she secretly thanks her lucky stars for that.

"I'm going to be there for you Mitchie. I have to make up for all the time I wasted not knowing you were like this."

Mitchie shakes her head again and prepares to unlatch herself from his hold and run back into her house. She shouldn't be doing this; it wasn't supposed to happen like this. She can't break his heart, she can't. Her heart was racing and it was telling her to stay with Shane because he would look after her and he would treat her like a normal person should be treated. Her head however was telling her to make the horrendous decision of walking away and not knowing what could have been and she found herself pondering that path for a moment before Shane pulls away and looks her square in the eye.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, got it?"

Mitchie looks at him for a moment and her heart realises that he's not lying. She kisses him softly, savouring every part of him and mumbles in drunken agreement against his lips.


	10. September

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**10. September**

* * *

Life was surreal for Mitchie after that moment.

For one she couldn't believe that she had actually kissed Shane. For another, she couldn't believe that not only had she kissed him, but she had confessed her love for him. For another, she couldn't believe that he felt the same way back. It was utterly crazy and completely mind numbing but there was still a part of her that believed that this was happening was real and it was beautiful and amazing.

Especially in those moments in time when Shane held her in his arms, she completely forgot the fact that she was going to die.

When she pulled away from his lips that afternoon, he held her close to his own body and ran his fingers through her damp hair. She could hear him whisper calm and reassuring words in her ear and she felt her heart swell up and believe the small phrases that came from his lips. The pain had stopped for that one moment and even with the cold rain beating against her skin, she felt warm and at peace. She didn't even realise that he had led her back to her house and lay her weary body down on her bed.

They didn't do anything, nothing of a sexual nature anyway. She let him put her shivering body underneath the thick quilt and just as he turned to leave, she made a sound that caught his attention. In an instant, without saying anything, he joined her underneath the covers and held her in his arms, her head buried in the base of his neck and their legs tangled together as though they were sleeping. They said nothing, only listening to the sound of the soft rain outside and their own breathing.

The storm was over and it was pure bliss.

Of course, once that ended, they were thrust back into the harsh reality and seriousness of the situation. At least, Shane had begun to pick up on how bad the situation was. Mitchie wanted to ignore the fact that she was sick and just embrace the opportunity that had been handed to her. Every time Shane tried to bring up the topic around her, Mitchie would promptly change the subject and ignore the chagrin that came from him. It had only been a few weeks since the last time that happened and she hoped it wouldn't happen again.

When they broke the news of their relationship to his friends, she was partially relieved to see that Tess wasn't there to hear the announcement. After all the squealing, shrieking and cuddling from both Jason and Caitlyn, she pulled Nate aside to ask why she wasn't there. She was surprised to see that his expression turned from warm to stoic. He explained to her swiftly that Tess wasn't going to be around anytime soon before turning away and forcibly laughing at Jason who was smothering Shane with hugs.

By then the autumn season had set in and the once brilliant green leaves that hung lazily on the trees lining the road had turned into sad shades of orange and yellow now littered both the pavement and the front yards of the houses on the street. The willow tree's leaves had since fallen off, leaving behind daunting branches that whipped dangerously when a gust of cold wind was brought about. The cold air seemed to hit Mitchie even harder than it did to the others, so she often rugged up in thick sweaters and long pants so they could protect her from the wind itself.

She immerses herself in the kitchen now, using whatever strength the day has given her to bake anything from cakes to muffins. Shane is sometimes with her, helping her if she can't beat the batter properly or if she needs a reassurance that she's going to be okay by squeezing her hand. Her kitchen is filled with the mouth watering scents of vanilla, raspberry and rum which would sometimes leave a warm smell in the air that makes her seem as though the aged liquid is already in her mouth.

The other times that Shane isn't with her is when she allows herself to let the wall she's built inside of herself crumble and feel the pain that seems to sharpen with every single movement. Mitchie takes a handful of painkillers when he isn't around, because when he is around she only takes one or two so she doesn't worry him. Of course the hotness inside her numbs considerably but she still feels as though someone is whacking her with a blunt instrument.

She ignores it though. She has no choice, otherwise Shane will get suspicious and drag her down to the hospital himself.

Shane organises another movie night and Mitchie packs a bag with a change of clothes, her painkillers and some necessities as she plans to stay the night. She's sure that Jason and Caitlyn as well as Nate are planning to stay over as well so that gives her more resolve to stay because she knows Shane wouldn't do anything if the others were there. She pulls on a thick jacket and rushes over to Shane's house, ducking her head to avoid the chill wind that's refuses to give up before climbing up the patio steps and rapping on the front door swiftly.

It takes barely a second before the door opens and Mitchie steps in, feeling the goose bumps on her arms sink back into her skin from the sudden change in temperature. She sighs quickly before dropping her bag on the ground, turning around and launching herself into Shane's awaiting arms. His cologne fills her nostrils and she inhales it deeply, feeling her mouth water from the sheer smell of it. Her desire is thrown away when she feels his lips against hers.

They're soft and warm and when he pulls away she feels dazed and rather woozy.

"I missed you." Shane murmurs to her, wrapping his arms around her petite waist and burying his face into the crook of her neck, pressing his lips against her tender skin. She feels him smirk when she squeaks in a shy manner.

"I m-missed you a little more t-though!"

He pulls away and smiles at her, his lips partially bruised pink and his hair a ruffled mess. Mitchie giggles softly before letting go of him and placing his hand in her own before heading to the kitchen. His thumb traces patterns along Mitchie's wrist and she grins as she enters the kitchen. She can feel the dull throbs against her skin but she ignores it as she begins to dig around the kitchen cupboards with her free hand.

"Is it going to be pizza or Chinese? I'm in the mood for some honey chicken to be quite honest." She says as she pulls out a glossy black ceramic bowl. It feels cool and smooth beneath her prickling fingers and she's determined to keep a tight grip on it to avoid any fiascos.

The plan soon vanishes when she felt a searing hotness erupt in her lower back and travel all the way up her frail spine. Without even thinking, she drops the bowl out of sheer shock and wrenches her hand out of Shane's grasp, who watches her with a panicked look on his face. The bowl smashes to the floor with a fantastic twinkling crash and the broken bits of pottery ricochet across the kitchen floor. She doesn't acknowledge that it's even happened as she supports herself against the counter of the kitchen and hisses in agony.

Pain pain pain.

The hurt was unimaginable this time and she can feel the hot prickles dance up and down her spine in fast waves. The waves are angry and they press down harder on her skin and bones and any other place they can find on her back. Without realising that she's causing a scene, she screams out in pain and hot tears run down her face. Her hand trembles from the pressure and she feels her grip on the kitchen counter loosen and without even realising, the world is rushing past her in a blurred panic.

Mitchie braces herself for the impact and closes her eyes but then she doesn't feel the cold hard floor knock against her body or the chipped pieces of bowl embed into her skin. She opens her eyes and realises that Shane has grabbed her in an instance and is kneeling on the floor, his chest moving rapidly from his adrenaline rush and the panic evident in his eyes. The pain has disappeared as quickly as it had come and Mitchie takes a deep breath, feeling a profound weight being released from her chest.

She looks up at Shane to see his eyes shining brightly while the rest of his perfectly sculpted face is resembling that of a lifeless statue. He bites his lip before bringing Mitchie closer to him and engulfing her in a desperate embrace. She's afraid to lift her arms in case they'll trigger another reaction so she simply lifts her face to press her lips behind the tender spot behind his right ear. She can hear him repeating the same words all over again and she desperately wants him to remain quiet so she can build up her energy once again.

But she's too weak to even consider the notion of speaking right now.

"I thought I lost you, please don't let me lose you ..."

She feels weak and a sudden wave of exhaustion rushes through her and she feels her eyes closing before passing out in his arms. She's gone for awhile, in a blackened wonderland and when she opens her eyes next, she's lying down on a comfortable bed. When the blur in front of her eyes fazes out, she realises that Shane is lying down next to her, his eyes wide open and his expression showing a small hints or worry. He sits up immediately when he realises she's awake and he rests his hands on her shoulders when she makes a move to get up.

"I wouldn't even try it."

Mitchie frowns at him and struggles against his hold but he remains adamant to keep her down. She groans at him before giving up and remaining limp underneath the thick sheets. She studies his face, how the area under his eyes seems darker than they were before and how his skin appears a shade lighter from the original russet it was. His hair is still a ruffled mess and his eyes have a dull glint in them. She's confused and she looks over to the clock on his bedside table and squints when she sees a large gleaming one glaring back at her in the angry red light.

"Shouldn't you be downstairs entertaining?" She asks slyly and she flinches inwardly when she sees the glare on his face. He shakes his head before moving his hands from her shoulders and sitting back on the bed. She counts five seconds in her head before sitting up and groaning when she gets head spins. She rubs her eyes and looks at Shane, who is watching her with caution in his face.

"I cancelled with them. You were in no shape to even realize the importance of a Baz Luhrmann marathon."

She chuckles softly. "I'm glad I saved those guys from having to sit through that."

Shane doesn't look impressed. "I'm not glad that you're glad about it. Mitchie, how long has this been going on?"

She doesn't want to talk about it and she throws the covers off of her body and swings her legs off the edge of the bed with every intention of getting up and walking out, barefoot and all. The moment she places her feet on the ground however, she's overcome with dizziness. She hides it as best as she can as she forces herself to stand up and Mitchie staggers across the carpeted floors as if she were drunk. Her balance is suddenly normal when Shane rushes over to her to give her help but she shakes him off angrily before turning around slowly to glare at him.

"I don't need your help for every single little thing."

He's angry now but she doesn't back down. As much as she feels the need to get out of the room, her feet are rooted to the spot and she gets the feeling déjà vu as the proximity the two was exactly the same as it had been all those weeks ago under the shelter of the willow tree. She can feel his sweet breath hit her face and she begins to feel dizzy again but she shakes it off as he continues to stare down at her.

"When were you planning to tell me that you've been getting stronger attacks?"

"I haven't been getting-"

"Cut the crap, you think I haven't noticed?"

She glares at him but it doesn't faze him at all. They're so close, so damn close that if she leans forward an inch or so she could possibly catch his lips in a passionate and desperate clinch but she can't right now because Shane is just so angry. Mitchie can't see why, she figures to herself that he would be better off not knowing and seeing the pain she has to go through.

"You think that I don't want to know what you're going through? Mitchie, I need to know, and otherwise I can't help-"

"I told you I don't need your help."

He grabs her arms suddenly and he doesn't realise that his grasp is tight and it's applying unwanted pressure to her bones. She feels that sudden rush of pain tingle through her body. She whimpers softly but he ignores her and looks at her with a fury in his eyes that she's never seen before. Suddenly, she feels frightened being in the dimly lit room with him. She almost wishes that someone else was there with them to pull him away from her.

"What can I do to make you understand me?" His expression turns soft and she sees a sad sparkle in his eyes and she easily regrets her previous thoughts. "Please tell me. I need to know that I'm doing this for a good reason."

Mitchie feels warm and she can feel her forehead heat up along with the rest of her body. The way he's holding her, the way that their bodies are positioned against the wall, with her own body pushed against the cold wall while he kept her pinned to it, with his left leg resting gently against her thigh.

It feels... nice. And for some reason she finds the compulsion to kiss him even stronger than before.

She bows her head and bites her lip. The thoughts going through her mind and the desire running through her veins is driving her nuts and she breathes a quiet intake of breath when she realises what she wants him to do.

She needs him to make her forget.

It's always in a heated moment that she forgets that she has cancer and that she's dying slowly from the inside out. She forgets that everything is going to end in just a couple of months when he kisses her and holds her in his arms, even if it's only for a short while. She wants him to make her forget for even longer than that. She can smell his scent and it makes her mouth water once again, the pleasure pulses in her mind are going nuts. There's sweat hanging off both her temple and at the nape of her neck and it's sending the urge wild.

She wriggles her arms out of his vice like hold and brings her hands to cup his face gently. She tilts her face slightly as she kisses him tenderly on the lips. There's no heated passion in this kiss. Just simple desperation and understanding as their lips move in gentle synchronisation. Then she pulls herself away from his sweet taste and takes a deep breath. He watches her with confusion in his eyes and she takes a deep breath before speaking again with a deep intensity in her voice.

"Make me forget. Kiss me like you did last month under the willow tree. Touch me like you would've touched your groupies back when you were in the band. Make love to me like you have never made love to anyone before. Make me forget and I'll let you help me. I'll understand why you're doing this when you know it's going to end. Make me understand and believe that you're not going to leave me Shane. Make me forget."

Nothing is said and done for a long long.

She stands her ground, her hands still cupping his face gently and his arms hanging limply at their sides. Then just as she's about to let go of him, his hands latch onto her waist and his mouth is on hers in a hungry and desperate way, as if he wanted this too. His fingers manage to slide underneath her thick sweater and stroke her soft and tender skin and she makes a small little sound into his mouth. Her head is on air and her actions are now completely controlled by the uncontrollable desire that's pulsing through her veins. She can taste every part of him and she's lost in sheer craze from it all. She manages to bring her hands down to his shirt and tug it upwards as a hint for him to take it off and he complies, breaking the kiss for only a split second so he can lift his shirt over his head before getting her full on the mouth once again.

Shane pulls the sweater off of Mitchie and she shudders as his fingers trail her soft skin, sending desire filled tingles through her body. It feels wonderful and she can feel the way their bodies are moving almost automatically as if the both of them had done this before. His lips move from hers and she lets out a shuddering breath when they begin to brush her neck. She holds onto Shane and runs her fingers through his thick raven hair before pushing his head against her neck once again.

They've moved away from the wall and somehow on the journey to the bed, they've lost the rest of their clothes and whatever is left of their innocence. The way he touched her and the way he kissed her in that moment made her forget everything; who she was, where she is, what's happening to her and she loves the feeling of it. He leaves heated kisses and love bites along her skin in a crooked trail down her torso before coming back up to her face and kissing her softly on her mouth again.

It's chaste and hurried but it's absolutely amazing.

Then she can feel a pain stronger than her cancer aches and she whimpers. He freezes up and watches her before she motions for him to go on and before she knows it, the pain is quickly overtaken by a wonderful pleasure that she doesn't want to end. She breathes out his name in a desperate way and it only compels him to keep doing what he is doing and once she sees the sparkling colours in her line of vision and wave after wave of an incredible satisfaction before one final burst of pleasure. She sinks back into the mattress and lets Shane nuzzle her neck softly and leave soft kisses along her jaw.

She feels tired so quickly and as much as she wants to do it again, she lets her eyes close as she hears his breathless voice come from somewhere near her.

"I love you. Believe me when I say that because I want to help you."


	11. October

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**11. October**

* * *

Inevitably, Mitchie moved in with Shane after that night.

Of course there were the legal matters to work out, but also the fact Shane doesn't want Mitchie to be on her own anymore, simply because he's watching her deteriorate and she probably doesn't even realise. He doesn't say anything about it though. He just wants the time the two of them have left to not be filled with cancer related angst. Mitchie sells up her little home and with a heavy heart, sends the furniture that was only there to fill up the hallowed rooms into storage, noting tearfully that she'll never be able to sit on the floral patterned couch her grandmother passed down to her again or have a one sided argument with the antique television her father has had since he was a child.

She settles into Shane's house immediately with the weight of the fact that her mother doesn't even mind that she's moved in with a guy she's been together with for a short time. In fact she was excited about it and even offered some motherly advice as to what it's like to live with a man. Shane was in a fit of giggles as Mitchie continued to turn red as she listened to her mother ramble on how she reacted the first time she came across her father's porn collection.

Of course, apart from her mother's never ending obsession with Shane Gray and the house he lived in, life was absolute bliss for the both of them. Her days began of her waking up to a soft melody being played in her ears as Shane plays on his guitar next to the open window as he soaks in the autumn sun. He then proceeds to throw his guitar down and jump onto the bed, which scares Mitchie and immediately begins to place soft kisses along her neck and jawline.

Some mornings it goes further than that. Other mornings she likes to keep him wanting more.

They share the household chores, which are mainly cleaning the kitchen and keeping the house in order. Once the morning is through, they leave the house to go for a walk, hand in hand or with Shane keeping his arm around Mitchie in attempt to warm her freezing body. They get back in time to watch a movie or simply talk like they used to underneath his willow tree. It's peaceful and content. Mitchie appreciates this, though she doesn't tell Shane that her bones are hurting more often and she's been getting dizzy spells as well.

She eats as much as she can, but she remains the same weight as she always has been, regardless of the food that Shane is forcing down her throat. It's mainly healthy food, but Shane occasionally brings home the greasy burger and sugar filled milkshake and he stays with her until she finishes the last bite. She waits until he goes to take the trash out until she runs to the bathroom and purges her stomach. It's not that she wants to. It's more or less the fact that she has to because the minute food hits her stomach she can feel it rising back up her throat.

Once she rinses out her mouth, she stares at her reflection in the mirror. It's out of habit now and it's like a compulsive thing to do. She gazes at the doppelganger, who stares back at her, and how she follows her movements minutely. She brings a shaking hand to her cheek and presses down against it, wincing as the shockwaves echo through her face. Her face. It's changed so much since she arrived here. It was once bright, youthful and full of energy but now as she looks at it, the rosy cheeks have long since disappeared, the light bags under her eyes have deepened and she looks so tired.

It's not attractive at all.

How can Shane find her attractive?

She can't help but wonder as she continues to stare at herself in the mirror. Why is he with her when he could be with any other girl on the planet that it willing to throw themselves at him? She doesn't realise that a tear is trailing down her eye until a hand that is not hers wipes it away. She flinches before she looks at Shane as he watches her in the mirror. His arm has snaked itself securely around her waist and the other arm crosses her chest and his hand holds her fragile face carefully. It's as if he can tell what she's thinking right now and she closes her eyes, not wanting to see his beautiful face any longer.

"No matter what you'll always be beautiful to me. I don't care what you think about yourself right now. I think that you're beautiful and if you can't see that then I'm going to make you."

He places a soft kiss on her cheek and she opens her shining eyes before she gives him a small smile. He smiles back at her and spins her around into his arms. He feels warm and she snuggles into his chest as she wraps her arms around his waist a little bit tighter so she can get as much of him as she can. His face is buried in its favourite spot, the crook of her neck and he trails butterfly kisses along her neck and bottom of her jaw. She sigh's happily before pulling away and kissing him tenderly on the lips.

As they pull apart, his eyes seem to twinkle more than usual and she can't help but wonder what he's up to.

"What?"

"How about we go out tonight? We'll go have dinner somewhere nice and go for a drive afterwards, what do you say? We haven't technically been on a real date so this might be a good opportunity."

She thinks for a moment before she realises that he is right. They've never been out of the house, aside from the daily walk and it's not as though they want to go anyway. They're quite content with curling up on his couch and watching A Walk To Remember without having to get out of their pyjamas. Mitchie nods her head and squeezes his hands tightly. Shane wiggles with excitement and kisses her cheek before he runs out of the bathroom, saying he needs to go make some plans for tonight. She watches him from the doorframe with amusement and he struggles to put on a pair of his infamous tight black pants and he throws on a leather jacket before he kisses her and heads out the door.

Once she hears his footfalls fade into the distance, she collapses to the ground and holds her ribcage, trying to ignore the raging shock waves that are reverberating through her body. Her bones are on fire and her skin is prickles as though it is on fire. Her fists clench and she hits the tiled floor with one of them until she feels the fire turn into nothing but a dull throbbing. She forces herself off the cold ground and heads towards the medicine cabinet, in search of her stockpile of painkillers which fill up one row of the cabinet. She lets her fingers linger over the cool plastic of the bottle before she grips it firmly and pops open the cap.

Mitchie pours little more than six pills into the palm of her hand.

She swallows them quickly and washes it down with water from the bathroom tap before splashing some of the cool water onto her face, feeling her face loosen up and her eyes open up. She sighs softly before she leaves the bathroom and heads to their bedroom so she can decide what to wear, but it's only when she's halfway up the staircase that she realises that Shane didn't tell her where they were going. She thinks it's rather unusual for Shane to not say anything about it and she bites her bottom lip softly and hopes quietly that he isn't up to anything. She turns around and heads back down the staircase with every motion on calling Caitlyn and ask her for some help. She needs some advice and with a bit of luck she might know if Shane is up to anything.

Mitchie regrets the notion of calling Caitlyn as she listens to her friend squeal in her ear over the phone with delight that she thought of her first even though she's not exactly the fashionista that Tess is. She rambles on and on until she realises she's been prattling on for over ten minutes and quickly hangs up with the promise of being there in fifteen minutes or less. Mitchie hangs the phone up with relief and heads to the kitchen to get together some snacks they can gorge on while they play around with clothing ideas. She feels slightly light headed but shakes it off as she puts some cupcakes and chocolates on a plate and places it upstairs in the bedroom.

A few moments later there's a knock at the door and Mitchie hurries to it and opens it to see a beaming Caitlyn standing in the doorway, her golden brown hair being whipped from the autumn gusts outside. She pushes past Mitchie; both her arms weighed down by the many shopping bags and then proceeds to dump everything onto the ground. Mitchie rolls her eyes and shuts the door, before pulling Caitlyn into a hug. She smells like a mixture of different perfumes and Mitchie guesses she came straight from the shopping mall.

"It's freezing out there Mitchie! Any longer and I would have been able to use my nose drippings as chopsticks!"

Mitchie laughs easily and grabs a few bags and they head upstairs, chatting along the way. Caitlyn dumps her coat and scarf on the floor and throws her bags along the bed before she notices the plate of cupcakes and chocolates nearby. She grabs one before she takes a large bite from it. Mitchie follows the suit with a bit more grace and they chew in silence until Caitlyn has polished her own cupcake off. She stands up and reaches for one of the large white bags and pulls out a pair of spiky heeled boots. Mitchie looks at them with an incredulous expression on her face as Caitlyn throws them towards her.

"You might as well try them on, that whole shopping trip would have been pointless then."

Mitchie sighs as she holds the boots and looks at them while thinking about the many different ways that she could possibly fracture her ankle or break her own leg. She takes off her flats and manages to pull on the death boots with Caitlyn's help before she realises she actually likes them. Caitlyn beams at her before she helps Mitchie stand up and let her walk around the room so she can break them in. They proceed to go through the bags, chatting amongst themselves and allowing the supply of treats diminish quickly.

"Tell me, what made you move in here? I mean, it was pretty much obvious it was going to happen soon, with you and Shane being all lovey dovey at that movie night a few months ago."

"You knew about that?"

Caitlyn rolls her eyes as she pulls out a pair of dark jeans and throws them at Mitchie, who catches them in the last second. "Everyoneknew about that. Just because the lights were off doesn't mean we couldn't see, but stop avoiding the question. Did you two have an argument or a joint epiphany or what?"

Mitchie blushes and sits down on the bed, the jeans still in her grasp. She's beginning to feel light headed again from the sheer memory of the night they first slept together because it was just so intense and so amazing that to this day that even thinking about it makes her heart beat faster and her pulse quicken with anxiety. She's quiet for so long that Caitlyn actually shakes her back to reality, a questioning expression on her face.

"Why the sudden silence? You're not going into cardiac arrest are you because I seriously know nothing about making your heart beat again."

It takes Caitlyn a moment to realise there's a cheesy smirk that's placed on Mitchie's lips before she shrieks with excitement and hugs Mitchie tight. Mitchie laughs at Caitlyn, remembering the first night she met her how she was so serious and sarcastic. Mitchie can't help but think she's been hanging around with Jason too much but puts that thought aside when she realises that Caitlyn is asking her a million questions at once.

"How was it? Oh my gosh I can't believe you slept with him! Was it romantic? Was it your first time? Was he gentle as a lamb or as rough as a lion? Was there foreplay? Was it angry sex or passionate love making? How was it Mitchie? Give me details please!"

Mitchie cringes and decides that Caitlyn has been hanging around Jason too much lately. She places both her hands on Caitlyn's shoulders and this calms the cheerful girl down. The room is tense as Caitlyn waits for an answer. Mitchie takes a deep breath and looks Caitlyn square in the eye.

"It was absolutely amazing, I can't either, it was, no in fact it wasn't, he was somewhere in between if you could call it that, somewhere in between and the details are for me and him to know and you and everyone else to never find out."

Caitlyn laughs and begins to ask more questions until her eyes come across the clock on the bedside table and she shrieks in panic. She tears herself away from Mitchie and rummages through another bag before she pulls out a crisp white shirt and a leather jacket. She pushes Mitchie into the adjoining bathroom carefully as she doesn't want Mitchie to break her neck because of the death boots and yells at her to hurry up and get dressed. Mitchie does so awkwardly as she doesn't want to take off her boots as she has to put them back on afterwards.

That would be annoying.

Once she's finished getting dressed, Caitlyn brushes through her long brown hair and pulls it into a low side bun before putting a light amount of make up on her face. She grabs Mitchie's hand and they head downstairs, with Caitlyn rambling on about how she's supposed to take Mitchie to where Shane is because he wouldn't be able to make it because he's still busy with the planning for later on. That's when Mitchie knew that Caitlyn was in on the game and she resolves to question her in the car.

Her plans go astray as usual as Caitlyn turns the radio in the car as loud as it could possibly go and she sings at the top of her voice as if she's trying to make it obvious that she knows but isn't allowed to tell her. She sighs and stares out the window, watching suburbia deplete with each passing metre and transform into a city landscape. The sun has long since set and now the moon allows the city to outshine the brightest star in the sky. The people are alive and vibrant as they get ready for a night out. The city lights shine brightly amongst the sea of stars and the traffic is moving swiftly which must be a good thing for Caitlyn, because her usual road rage doesn't appear as terrifying as Shane says it normally is.

They drive for a little while longer before Caitlyn pulls into an alley and parks the car. The alley smells of musty rain and the wind gusts don't feel as bad here but it's still cold nonetheless. Caitlyn grabs her hand and they head to a few people that are gathered outside a doorway. Mitchie recognizes Jason and Nate and she gives them a big smile and offers Jason a hug and it's only when she can see Shane standing behind Nate with his guitar strapped to his back is when she realises that both Jason and Nate have their own guitars strapped to their backs as well.

Mitchie can't believe it.

"Are you guys doing a concert tonight?"

Shane laughs and wraps his arm around Mitchie before kissing her full on the mouth. She can hear Caitlyn and Jason sighing in unison and she can just guess that Nate feels as awkward as she does right now but regardless; she kisses Shane with as much enthusiasm as she could possibly muster at that moment. When they pull apart, she savours the taste his sweet lips have left behind. He keeps an arm wrapped around her waist as they pull apart and he gives Nate and Jason a look before they all head in the doorway and Mitchie is greeted with darkness.

She can hear voices that seem close but far away and once she adjusts to the darkness, it's when realises that she's backstage. There are dim lights around the area and she can see a few people rushing around with headsets and clipboards throwing requests in different directions to make sure the show goes according to plan. Shane guides her through the dimness before finally bringing her around small staircase which obviously leads up to the small platform stage. He motions for her to look out and she pokes her head around the corner and gasps in amazement.

It's a theater. There's a large crowd buzzing with excitement and moving with the music that's blaring out of the loud speakers that adorn both sides of the stage. There's a burly drummer beating against his drum kit and a bass player strumming the strings of his guitar on the far left hand corner of the stage. Mitchie looks back at Shane and her eyes shine with happiness as she pulls him into a tender embrace. He buries his face into her hair and she feels wonderful in that moment. Mitchie can't believe that he would start playing in the band again because of her and it feels as though she's achieved something amazing.

Her head throbs angrily without warning and she groans softly which causes Shane to pull away and watch her with a careful expression. His eyes are full of panic and although he's trying to hide it, he's not doing a very good job at it. She places a hand on her forehead and presses against it gently and within seconds the throbbing subsides and she feels better already. She looks up at Shane and he appears to be calm again though the emotion in his eyes is obvious.

"Are you alright? Tell me the truth."

Mitchie nods her head and leans in to kiss his cheek. She hears Caitlyn and Jason sighing again and she stifles a giggle as Shane turns around to glare at them. Caitlyn quickly busies herself with making Jason's hair as flat as possible while Jason tunes his guitar with a little more focus than he normally would give to it. Shane's hand grips hers and they walk away from the stage area and sit near the small group, with people still running around barking directions and orders. Mitchie doesn't feel like she's there anymore, she's only there in body but not in mind.

She can smell the strong leather of Shane's jacket and she takes in the smell which has mingled with his cologne and has created a unique scent. She makes a mental note to tell Shane to wear that leather jacket again soon. Her hand feels warm as he holds it gently and as he strokes his thumb along the back of her hand again she smiles softly, feeling as though nothing can really make this moment break. She catches Nate's eye and he smiles at her before he turns his attention back to his guitar, making sure the chords sound as perfect as possible. Caitlyn sprays a little more hairspray on Jason's hair and he gags at the mere stench of the product. She playfully slaps the side of his head before setting the hairspray down and sitting next to him as he finishes up the tuning of his guitar.

Mitchie's light headed again, but in a good way. She thinks.

Shane gets up and that's when she realises that he has to go on stage now. She gets up with him and does her best to control her balance as she gives him what he calls a 'good luck' kiss. She laughs as he pulls away with a dazed expression on his face before securing the grip onto his guitar and walking with Nate and Jason onto the platform. The screams that come from the outside are deafening as Shane speaks into the microphone and Mitchie feels a large wave of nostalgia overcome her as she remembers the Connect 3 concerts that she went to when she was a teenager.

She can hear the guitar tunes start up and Shane's powerful voice overthrows the screams in the arena.

Caitlyn grips her hand and squeals with delight as they rush to stand near the small platform that leads to the stage. She can see Jason and Nate strum their guitars expertly and offer softer backing vocals which sound like a child's cry compared to Shane's. His voice fills the arena and sends everyone into a frenzy. There are hands up in the air and people crowd surfing in the small mosh pit that's gathered near the stage. They shout and mime along to the words as Shane's voice sends out powerful sparks along the crowd and everyone cheers as he finishes the song on a high note.

Mitchie cheers along with them as best she can and she see's Shane look at her with a gorgeous and happy look on his face. Right there, in the sparks and the crowd and the loud music, she can see that he glows amidst it all. He stands out and to Mitchie there's nothing more beautiful than how he looks right now. He turns back towards the crowd and grabs the microphone before he speaks into it again. His voice sounds intense when it comes out of the speakers and it sends Mitchie in a daze, just like the first time they had a proper conversation.

She feels her bones ache but she doesn't even register it. It's only when she realises that Caitlyn's grip on her hand is too firm even though it hasn't changed at all is when she shakes out of Caitlyn's grasp and puts her hand to her stomach. Caitlyn appears confused as Mitchie winces in pain as she feels large lines of fire race throughout her body. They dance along her bones like they're in a frenzy and she gasps in pain as she feels it reach her head. She doesn't hear Caitlyn's panicked shrieks amongst the sounds of the crashing drums and screaming guitars because it just hurt's so damn much right now.

Mitchie can't feel herself fall to the ground, her hands still clutched to her stomach and bruises that cover her body scream in fury. The pain's becoming more intense but she just can't feel the full extent of it. Was it because she took too many pills? That can't be it, the more she takes, the longer it takes for the pain to come back. It still hurts. It's almost killing her and she screams out an octave higher than the speakers and that's when Shane's beautiful voice doesn't fill her ears anymore.

Her vision is blurry and she thinks she can see the familiar glint that usually resides in Shane's eyes come closer to her. There's an echo in the air but it's doing nothing to stop the absolute pain she's feeling in this moment. The fire stabs her harder and she screams without realisation. The echo's gotten louder and in her pain she can recognise the sweet voice that belongs to Shane. It gives her a moment of relief but the minute she can't hear it anymore, the pain returns tenfold and it won't stop.

Pain pain pain.

Someone moves her, is she lying in someone's lap? She feels a cool rush of relief among the sea of fire and it's when she realises that it's Shane's hand that's pressed against her cheek and she can still hear his beautiful voice over the screaming of the crowd and the screeching of the fire inside her. Her bones feel close to being broken and she feels the fire rage through her blood, her body, her head, her heart and she whimpers softly as she hears the sweet voice full of panic and despair. It calls her name, Mitchie and she tries to listen over the fire and it's hard but she has to because it's _his_ voice and she knows that _he _will save her.

"Mitchie. Talk to me. You're not leaving me Mitchie! I'm not gonna lose you! Please say something. Can you hear me Mitchie!"

She tries to see through her open eyes and once her vision clears she sees Shane's beautiful face covered in pain and his eyes are glistening with shining tears. She wants to lift her hand to his face to wipe away the pretty tears that fall down his face but she doesn't even know where her arms are anymore. She wants to say something but it barely comes out as a whisper.

Is this what dying feels like?

She's pretty sure it isn't. She would know if she was dying or not. There's a whisper, she said something and it repeats through her mind just like the echo of his voice and then his lips are against hers softly and she can smell his beautiful scent of leather jackets and cinnamon. When he pulls back, she tries to smile as best as she can before the blurry picture in front of her eyes has been reduced to darkness.

Mitchie feels her energy deplete and she closes her eyes, still entirely sure that she's not dying. She can still hear his voice, it's alright.

She's just so weak.


	12. November

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**12. November**

* * *

She can still hear the echo through her mind. She can still hear Shane's wonderful voice in her head and it calms her pains.

Mitchie lies in their bedroom, the thick blankets wrapped around her fragile body and she desperately tries to make herself feel warmer before she opens her eyes. Last month was terrible for her, she was admitted to hospital and if there's one thing that Mitchie hates more than lying, it has to be hospitals. The whole place was so cold, so sterile. Although the smell that lingers in the rooms are full of nothing but disinfecting cleaning products, she can still gather the whole stench of death that hangs around long after the patients have passed on.

She almost fought her way out of the place, and got into so many arguments with Shane. The doctors obviously wanted to monitor her attacks and still hang onto that small shred of hope that it wasn't too late to begin treatment. Although Shane agreed with them, she wouldn't lend an ear to their pleas. The bed sheets were thin and uncomfortable, the noises were too unfamiliar for her to comprehend when she had enough trouble falling asleep at night and the arguments with Shane had gotten so bad that he didn't come to see her for a few days. It was only when she cried into Jason's shoulder one night that Caitlyn made an angry call to Shane outside her room and within minutes he was back in her room and soothing her in his arms.

The experience was terrible and after having a private conversation with her doctors, they agreed to discharge her under the pretence that she would drop by weekly so they could give her a stronger dosage of medicine. It wasn't a pleasant medicine to say the least. It made Mitchie throw up uncontrollably and stay awake with tremors and hallucinations for hours. Shane keeps a watchful eye on Mitchie and he stays with her, refusing to let her frail form out of his sight, save for when she needs to use the bathroom.

He sits by the bedroom window these days, playing his guitar softly as she watches him with a gentle expression adorning her face as she listens to the gentle chords that emit from the instrument. Occasionally, a tear will fall from her eye and by the time she gathers the strength to lift her arm to wipe it away, Shane is already there besides her wiping it away with his own calloused fingers.

Right now he's downstairs making something to eat while she tries to make herself comfortable in the thick woollen sheets. Her heart races from the drug that runs through her system and the only sound that fills her mind is Shane's panicked voice from that haunting night. She frowns at the memory, as she can still feel his hands as they caress her soft face and his voice as it calls out her name. Mitchie begins to cry softly, her heart hangs heavy from the guilt that eats away at her heart. She blinks away the tears that form in her eyes as she hears Shane come back into the room, a plate of sandwiches in one hand and a mug of tea that still releases steam in the other. She can see him offer a small smile to her as he sets the plate and mug down on her bedside table before he kneels down and runs a hand through her matted locks.

Not once does he break eye contact with her.

She sighs softly before she lifts up her own hand to hold his. He complies and their fingers intertwine, his rough skin a sharp contrast to her own softness. They don't say anything for awhile and when Mitchie looks at the clock, she realises it's been like this for almost fifteen minutes. Shane regrettably let's go of her hand and helps her sit up. She begins to protest but he shoots her a look which makes her think twice and decides to let him help her.

"I figured you were hungry so I made a few more so we could share."

Mitchie sit's up against the propped pillows and she feels her bones rattle angrily. She hides the flinch of pain from Shane's glance before she turns to him and offers a wide grin, before she reaches over a takes a sandwich from the plate. She bites into it, a sharp jolt echoing through her mouth and she cautiously chews whilst she hides her pain from him. He mustn't have noticed as he takes one as well and proceeds to eat it whole. Mitchie rolls her eyes before she playfully slaps him on his arm and he smiles sheepishly at her.

"You're gonna get fat and pretty soon you won't be able to fit into those tight jeans of yours."

A mock look of hurt washes over Shane's face and he pouts at her and she can't control the fit of giggles that overcomes her. She allows the sandwich to drop onto the covers and clutches her stomach as she doubles over in a fit of laughter. It causes her ribs to flare up with a sharp fire that slashes along her bones but she fights it away as she laugh's properly for the first time in a long time. She turns back to Shane and she's surprised when he kisses her softly on her lips. She feels her heart pick up speed and her pain's reduced to absolutely nothing when she realises that this is the first time he's kissed her ever since she left the hospital.

It's really been that long.

She savours the sweet cinnamon taste on his lips and she brings her fingers up to run through his raven hair. He makes a small sound at this reaction but doesn't put any more intensity into their kiss. She doesn't mind though, this is more than enough. When he finally breaks away, he has a relieved look on his face and his eyes hold the same glint that she's so used to seeing. She lets out the breath she's been holding before she sinks back into the pillows and looks up at the ceiling. She hears Shane walk across the room to sit in his chair by the window and she soon hears the familiar sounds of his fingers as they strum the strings of his beloved guitar and she closes her eyes as his soft voice fills the room.

It plays through her mind and she takes it all in as he sings another song to her. She opens her eyes and watches him as he stares out the window and into the night sky. The moonlight shines down through the window and bathes him with a translucent glow which is eerily beautiful. She watches at how his fingers move quickly along the strings as he plays the chords as he's done it so many times before and then his voice raises as he hits more powerful notes. She watches how his eyes glint with the familiar sparkle in his eyes and she can't help but feel surprise when she notices a tear trail down his cheek.

Eerily beautiful.

Mitchie doesn't say anything as she continues to watch him sing. His voice fills her head and she recalls the memory of their first kiss as they stood underneath her old willow tree as the rain poured down on them. She was so broken, so vulnerable and yet she stood her ground and told him just how she felt about him and when he kissed her, her sickness was all but forgotten as his strong arms held her gently and his scent filled her senses. It was almost like a happy ending to her, but once the kiss broke, she realised that there's no such thing in her story.

Then without warning, a sharp fire burns across her chest and she gasps aloud in pain which causes Shane to stop playing his guitar and rush over to her. His hands gently grip her shoulders and his voice fills her head once again. The fire is rough and sends jagged flushes across her bones and she begins to sob heavily as they dance along her bones. Shane begins to panic in a similar fashion to the previous month, but just as he brings his hands off her shoulders, her arm snaps out and she grabs his wrist.

He watches her with worry across his face as she struggles to raise her head to look him straight in his anxious eyes. The pains make her shudder and she hisses angrily as they travel up her neck. The pains are intense but she still parts her mouth to speak to Shane, whose face is close to the brink of panic.

"Please. Just stay w-with me. P-please?"

She cries out in atrocity as the pain scratches at her neck and in an instant, Shane's warm arm is out of her grasp and a moment later she's lying down as he holds her in his arms. She trembles and shudders as the aches grow stronger and she can feel her tears wet his shirt but she holds her voice so she doesn't make him change his mind and call someone to get her. She needs him with her now, she needs him to hold her and whisper into her ear that everything is going to be alright even though it isn't going to be alright.

Pain pain pain.

Mitchie feels his lips pressed against the top of her head and she hears his strangled voice which sounds amazingly different to his beautiful singing voice. He whispers soft words to her that she can barely hear over the pain in her body and she cries softly into his shirt as she tries to control it. She's just so tired that she can't even open her mouth to say anything back to him. It's hurting her so much, she wants to scream but she doesn't for his sake because he whispers beautiful words that reach her mind and she feels her tremors calm down and her shivers reduced to nothing but a small tremble.

His hold around her tightens and she feels the pains begin to turn to a dull throb and the fire that races through her body die down completely. She can still hear his whispers echo through her mind and she begins to cry softly into his shirt. Shane stops whispering and everything is quiet for awhile, save for the sounds of her broken sobs. The aftermath of her attack is painful and she feels nothing but exhaustion as she takes a few deep breaths as she feels her heart slow down and her head stop spinning.

Then everything is quiet. She can only hear the gentle sounds of their timed breaths.

Shane takes even breaths and hesitates, as if he expects her writhe in pain once again before he repeats the cycle once again. Mitchie's breathes although as quiet and calm as it may feel to Shane, each raise of her chest sends deep throbs along her torso and she doesn't even try to control the tears that flow down her porcelain face and soak into Shane's shirt. His hold on her tightens as she buries her head further into his chest.

She thinks through the pain and she can only think of the many things that most likely affect him right now. Does he feel regret for ever being with her? Does he feel angry with her for not getting treatment? Does he feel remorse for the fact that her parents don't even know she slowly withers away one day at a time? Does he think he deserves what he's been going through this past year?

These questions race through her mind and she tries to make sense of them all as she feels her eyes sting with a fresh wave of hot tears.

This was never fair to Shane. It was completely selfish and idiotic. She knows what she's doing to him but she can't bring herself to leave him because she needs him. She knows for a fact that she's going to die soon, she can almost taste it on her tongue. The fact that she's put him through so much over the past few months is absolutely painful to her. She never really thought about what would happen after she was gone. She didn't know whether he was going to move on and she didn't know whether he would mourn for the coming months.

She loves him, she really does but she doesn't want to do this to him. She thinks that she's breaking him apart just as easily as she is. She can't help but think that beneath his tough exterior is a fragile person who is actually frightened of what's happening.

It was wrong to be with him. It was wrong to even comprehend.

She's killing him slowly and Mitchie hasn't even realised she's been doing it this whole time. She always wanted to feel normal for her last precious days but this whole situation is nowhere near normal. How is anything normal anymore? She's not sure, she's not sure anymore.

She takes a breath and his scent fills her head. It's like an addiction to her, she just can't get enough and she wants more. In her mind, she sees his stunning face and her heart feels heavy with the tremendous guilt she's come to embrace and she begins to sob openly again. His body tenses up and his grip on her has turned to something more loving and gentle, just like when he used to hold her in his arms that seems so long ago. It was really just two months ago. She misses this, she misses the way he would hold her as if she was delicate flower, which was beautiful to grasp but easy to break. She misses the way that he used to kiss her softly and not be scared to add intensity into the kiss.

She misses him.

She feels one of his hands run through her hair, carefully separating the thick knots while still managing to give the impression that it's in a compassionate way and he doesn't intend on hurting her. She takes a deep breath and his scent dances on her tastebuds before she speaks.

"This isn't fair to you and me both."

His hand pauses and she feels his body tense up further. "I don't understand."

It's typical he wouldn't understand. He doesn't think anything is wrong right now but she can't stop herself from saying these things to him. She's the one that should comfort him, look after him. Not Shane taking care of her. She can't explain it but she just feels frustration coursing through her bones as she grips his shirt tightly in an attempt to get her point across.

"This whole thing, our relationship, it's not fair. I shouldn't be doing this to you. I shouldn't be letting you fall in love with me because it's not right. Shane, I'm dying and it's so close. I can feel it in my heart. It didn't hit me until now though. I'm hurting you by doing this. I don't know what to do. I love you, I really do but I just..."

She cries harder, her voice broken by the choking sobs that come from her mouth. Shane doesn't say anything and her heart is heavy with guilt, anticipation, concern.

"I'm-I'm going to die Shane, I'm going to die. I don't know why I s-started this. It was wrong, very wrong. I shouldn't be doing this to you. I d-didn't stop to think about what this would do to you. Y-you haven't said anything, you haven't done anything b-but stand by my side... but it's just s-so wrong Shane. I'm selfish for wanting this in the first place. I should have th-thought about the consequences. Oh, I-I'm a senseless girl..."

She makes a move to get out of his arms and leave the room, but he won't let go. She squirms for awhile and she begins to sob again. Why is he doing this? It's not fair, she's breaking him. She hears him sigh to himself before he shakes his head and she can almost taste the stubbornness that hangs around in the air around him.

"I'm doing this because I love you. I'm doing this because I know for a fact that I'm a strong person, much stronger than you just made me out to be. I'm doing this because the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew everything was going to change and you know what? I loved it. I loved the fact that you rushed into my life and destroyed everything like you were a hurricane and I had to put everything back in place and because of that, I changed. I became a better person and it's all because of you."

He kisses the top of her head softly before he continues.

"I fell in love with you the night you held my hand. I couldn't believe that something so simple, so beautiful was the realisation I'd been looking for. I never saw you as anything but a good friend but when your hand touched mine... it was like a spark that lit a candle and set my emotions on fire. I was so happy when I realised I was in love with you. It was just what I needed Mitchie. You're just what I needed."

She can't stop the confusion that runs through her mind. She opens her mouth to speak but he stops her as he brings a hand to cup her chin and lift her face to meet his. His eyes shine brightly in the moonlight that now bathes the whole room and a warm smile is on his face. She can't even remember his look of worry that was on his face before as his expression is alive and full of a fierce determination that captures her attention.

"When Tess spilled that you had cancer, I couldn't believe it. I thought the bruises on your body were suspicious and the fact you were always so cold was pretty stuffed up but I dismissed it as nothing but clumsiness but that day, when you told me yourself... I was shocked. I couldn't help but think as to why you would lie to me and not tell me anything. It hit me when I realised that you didn't want both help or pity because you're just so stubborn. You don't know the amazing feeling of love that washed through me at that moment. I don't think anyone else can replicate it because when we kissed for the first time... I knew that's when this was for real."

Her heart pounds softly and she watches his beautiful face in the moonlight. He takes a breath before continuing.

"I wanted to be with you not only because I'm a changed person Mitchie, but because I was so in love with you I was willing to do anything to be with you. It's not as though it's compulsory, but it's more because I want to see you happy and I want to fulfil your wishes for you. I'm in love with you and love makes you do some pretty stupid things. I'm a man who can't be moved from his decisions and when I made the decision to be with you, it was for good. It's obvious and inevitable that I'm going to be torn up over your death but you see what I've done? I've accepted it's going to happen. And you know what? It's made me stronger. It's made me ready for what's to come. It sounds harsh and cruel. But I've been so scared for you lately, especially after what happened last month but Mitchie, I'm ready for anything now."

Shane sits up on the bed and he still holds Mitchie in his arms. She's clinging onto his shirt for dear life. Her eyes never leave his face and he leans in closer to her. She closes her eyes, her heart almost beats out of her chest as his hand cups her cheek and his thumbs carefully strokes her skin, wiping away the stray tears and soothing her at the same time. She feels his nose rub against her own and she smiles softly at the touch. She forgets everything that's been said in the past couple of moments and the only thing that echoes through her mind is Shane's beautiful voice and she softly bites her bottom lip as he speaks again.

"I love you."

Then he kisses her with a passion she hasn't witnessed in so long. His taste dances in her mouth and she sighs into their kiss before she slowly lets go of his shirt and lets her fingers trail up to his thick hair and as she feels Shane slowly lie her back down onto the bed, his lips still kissing her with an intense passion that she loves so much, she realises something between Shane's sweet scent and the fact that he's slowly beginning to lift her shirt over her head.

If Shane was ready for her last breath and if Shane was ready for what was to come, that just meant one thing. It was something that sounded so simple but the complexity beneath it was far too much to process at that moment. The heated kiss continued and when she loses herself for a few moments beneath Shane's gentle touch and his heavy breathing is when she realises.

She's ready to die.


	13. December

_The Fear That Gave Me Wings_

by januarys

* * *

**13. December**

* * *

_Winter is fragile._

The trees outside are covered with amazingly white snow which glisten in the weak sunlight the day provides. The sky is a pale blue and fluffy white clouds are stretched out as far as the eye can see. The ground is covered with inches thick of snow and the beauty is disturbed at some places due to footprints that lead off in many different directions. It's beautiful, it's fragile and it's so very dangerous but the appeal of the scenery makes her yearn to go outside and join in the small activities that the neighbourhood children start, such as snowball fights and building snowmen. She bites her lip and tears her eyes away from the scenery before she heads into the bathroom, intent on having a shower so she can relieve the pain that rushes through her body.

She's tired now, so tired. She sleeps for so long now as well. The prospect of her to even walk downstairs just sends her to sleep because her body refuses to budge from its lying position but she does it so she doesn't worry Shane. Her heart flutters as she thinks of him and his beautiful words from the previous month and she holds back tears as she remembers the intensity in his voice and how the words, although obviously spontaneous, were spoken in such a manner that grabbed Mitchie's attention and captured her heart.

The words were meaningful and they were true and when he kissed her afterward with a heavy passion confirmed it.

There's still doubt evident in her heart and she still thinks that she's doing the wrong thing by staying with him when she knows that she's going to leave him behind. But her head is telling her that it's perfectly normal to feel such a thing. Shane proved to her that he's going to be alright and that he's ready for anything now. Even though it most likely won't be like that when the time comes, she still feels comforted by the fact that he meant every word he said.

He is and always will be in love with her.

She pushes her thoughts aside as she strips down and steps into the warm shower, hissing softly as the hot water hits her bare skin and pounds away at her bones. The fire erupts in her body but she ignores it as best as she can as she allows the water to overtake her senses and thoughts, while she feels the knots and kinks work their way out painfully and she feels relieved after a few minutes. She washes her hair, which has grown down past her shoulders now before she rinses out the freesia shampoo. The smell of the flowers keep her calm and preoccupied as she wraps a fluffy towel around her fragile body and steps carefully out of the shower.

Mitchie heads to the mirror and wipes away the steam that has built up over the surface with her hand before she looks at her reflection. She's appears paler than before, and her eyes don't hold a sparkle in them anymore. She can only see the tired face of a sick person and she forces herself not to cry because she's sick of crying. It's pointless these days. She dries her hair and let's it hang in soft waves before going back into the bedroom and throwing on a sweater and jeans. She builds up the strength to go downstairs but stops halfway when she hears the doorbell erupt through the house.

Groaning heavily, she moves to the front door quickly, keeping an ear out for Shane as he snoozes peacefully on the couch. She laughs softly at the memory of her sending him down there when she realised he hadn't had gotten enough sleep for a week. After much grumbling and protest, he took a blanket and pillow and the moment his head hit the pillow he was out like a light. She reaches the front door and opens it before gasping in surprise when she sees a familiar face standing in front of her.

Tess Tyler in all her glory stood on the patio steps of the house rugged up in obviously designer coats, scarves and a pair of expensive looking woolen gloves adorning her usually bare hands. Mitchie can't help but feel envious to the fact that she looks like a supermodel at a photo shoot with the snow covered landscape sitting innocently behind her. Mitchie holds her breath and ignores the cold wind that blows into the front room. It's only when Tess clears her throat that she realises how silly she must look at that moment before she moves aside to let her in. Tess complies and she almost glides gracefully inside before giving a small smile to the still shocked Mitchie in front of her.

"Hello Mitchie."

Mitchie shuts the door, still facing Tess before she gives her a questioning look. This was the woman that told everyone that she had cancer when it wasn't even her place to say anything at all. This was the woman who acted like a complete snob to her the first time they met and this was the woman that caused this whole mess in the first place. Mitchie felt a sudden rush of anger to the blonde woman in front of her and she glares at Tess, who doesn't seem fazed by her expression.

"What are you doing here Tess? What even gives you the right to be here?"

Tess sighs, before pulling off her fancy gloves and carefully placing them in a glossy black handbag she has perched on her wrist. She looks back at Mitchie, her expression still blank but her eyes shining with determination. Her cheeks are puffy and red from the cold wind outside and her teeth chatter softly from the transition from outside to inside yet she still manages to look amazing.

"I think I have earned the right to apologize to you, after all, it was my doing that you're here now, right?"

Mitchie nods dumbly at her before Tess continues as she brushes a lock of golden hair that's fallen in front of her face behind her ear.

"I'll admit, what I done wasn't exactly the decent thing to do in that whole situation, in fact it was pretty screwed up. It wasn't my place to say anything about it and it was most definitely not my place to force you into saying anything as well. There's a reason for everything right? I told Shane simply because I didn't want to have him hating you for not telling him anything if you dropped dead one day. It's simply not fair to both you and him. Of course, it cost me my friendship with that group and my relationship with Nate... but I found that it was worth it."

She pauses for a moment and waits for a reaction from Mitchie. When she gets nothing she continues.

"I saw the way Shane looked at you that night Mitchie and I couldn't believe how blind he was. Couldn't he see how sick you were? Couldn't he see how you were so careful with your movements? My mother was like that. I watched her die Mitchie, so when I saw you moving and acting in a manner similar to her own way before she died, it clicked. Not only did you have cancer but you hadn't told anyone either. I gave you the ultimatum and when you didn't take it, I told Shane in front of everyone. Of course he was in denial but there was a look in his eyes that seemed to say that he knew I was right. I was kicked out, Nate left me and only Caitlyn and Jason still talk to me these days."

Mitchie can't believe that Tess only told everyone about it because she was worried that Shane would hate her after she left.

She honestly couldn't believe that Tess Tyler had a heart.

"I think however, that if I hadn't had said anything to anyone... I doubt that you would have spilled the beans-"

"I would have-"

"No, you wouldn't have. You're a woman of your word, and you wouldn't have told anyone anything at all. Basically put, if I hadn't told Shane, you two wouldn't be together right now. I guess we all win in this situation. I've seen the way he looks at you and I've seen the way he hangs onto every word that comes out of your lips. I simply wanted him to finally have someone who not only has the power to control him but have the power to love him, no matter what. You're the one for him Mitchie, I'm just sorry that you won't be around long enough to enjoy what you two have."

She stops speaking before she watches Mitchie was a curious expression on her face, similar to the one where she confronted her that night. Mitchie scratches the back of head, the thoughts in her mind hanging on precariously and ready to spill out of her mouth at any given moment. Instead however, Mitchie feels a great rush of gratitude towards Tess. If it wasn't for Tess, she wouldn't be standing here right now and in a deep relationship with Shane. If it wasn't for Tess, she still wouldn't have told anyone that she's dying and she still would have kept the secret until her final breath.

She gives a large smile at Tess before she rushes to her and pulls her into an awkward embrace. When she pulls back, Tess' face is unimpressed but her eyes hold a small glint of joy behind them.

"Thank you. Seriously everything you just said was right anyway. No one would have known and I wouldn't be with Shane right now. Thank you so much."

Tess lets out the breath she's been holding before she nods to Mitchie. "Its fine. I'm glad I didn't get kicked out though. Caitlyn sent me here for another reason. She wants us to go out and have a girl's day, you know? Manicures, pedicures, hair and shopping. She gets tired of doing it with me, because I drag her around for the rest of the day. I suggested that you come and she suggested that I apologize first. What do you say, care to join us? You need to tidy those split ends badly."

Mitchie laughs with Tess and nods although the last thing she wants to do right now is be dragged around a shopping centre by both Caitlyn and Tess. She tells Tess to hang on while she grabs a coat and she rushes into the lounge room and eyes the sleeping Shane, obviously oblivious to the interaction that's happened in the next room. She kisses his cheek and he stirs and mumbles something about his jeans being too baggy. She giggles softly at him before she notices a notepad on the floor beside the couch. She picks it up and scans the words scrawled onto the page.

It's a song. Obviously rough, but still a song nonetheless. He hasn't written a song in so long.

She feels proud.

Mitchie turns a few pages down and writes down quickly that she's going out with Caitlyn and Tess for awhile and she'll explain everything when she gets back. She places the notepad down back in its original position before she kisses his cheek softly once again and walks out of the room with a black trench coat she found hanging haphazardly off a lounge chair. She gives Tess a nod before pulling on the coat and grabbing her wallet. They leave in a hurry to get out of the wind.

The drive to the shopping centre is quiet and Mitchie sighs with relief when she see's Caitlyn outside the entrance, bundled up with scarves and sweaters to protect her from the wind. They rush inside and after a brief recount of what went down before, Caitlyn squeals with delight before they head off to get their nails done. It's feels refreshing for Mitchie as get's primped and pampered by a bunch of strangers. Her bones are hurting but she can barely register it over the gentle music being that plays in the room. She admires the coat of shimmering black polish over her fingers and toes and giggles when she realises it's the first time she's had it done properly.

Tess waits impatiently for both girls outside the salon before she leads them to an expensive looking hairdresser. Mitchie bites her lip with the knowledge that all the money on her credit card couldn't possibly pay for that and she reaches for her wallet in her coat pocket but Caitlyn swats her hand away and smiles at her.

"Tess' offered to pay for everything today. She owes you for your nails. I wouldn't bother arguing, otherwise she'll smudge the black polish over your fingers."

She doesn't test Caitlyn's theory as they head inside and pretty soon she's sitting in a comfortable seat and a woman is standing behind her with a pair of scissors in her hands. She doesn't get any input to what she wants as Tess and Caitlyn point out the flaws in her lovely long hair and what needs improvement.

When the stylist asks Mitchie what she wants however, she simply says, "A change."

Within an hour, her hair is a few inches shorter, her bangs are layered and her colour is considerably darker. Tess and Caitlyn gush about it while she runs her fingers through the soft curls and relishes in how soft it feels before she thanks the stylist and is once again being dragged out to go shopping.

"Oh, but Caitlyn already bought me clothes..."

Tess rolls her eyes before shooting Mitchie a look which makes her flinch. "That stuff is so last season and the reason why I know that is because I was there with her. I picked out those killer boots for you. You didn't break a leg or anything right?"

Before she knows it, she's back in Tess' car and being driven home. The backseat is full of bags which are full of clothes and shoes and jewellery and she's barely listening to Tess as she explains which shoes should match which outfit which should match the jewellery. Her bones ache and her head is pounding and she shakily reaches into her coat pocket for some painkillers she brought along. Tess offers her a bottle of water and continues speaking as though nothing happened and within minutes they're back at her house. Mitchie turns to Tess and squeezes her hand softly in a gesture of appreciation. Tess doesn't say anything while they unload her shopping and put it on the patio.

When she gives Mitchie another awkward hug, she can feel the happiness in the air around her and with another squeeze of the hand, she's gone.

She goes inside, her arms bundled with shopping bags and when she opens the door, she sees Shane standing there with a worried look on his beautiful face. She groans inwardly as she shuts the door with her leg and she controls her balance as she begins the trek upstairs. She can hear Shane behind her going on about something but the minute she reaches the bedroom, she leaves the bags on the floor and she sinks onto the bed before closing her eyes. The exhaustion that runs through her is phenomenal and she can only feel dull throbs against her tired skin. Shane stops speaking before he gets onto the bed and wraps his arms around her.

"I was worried about you for a minute. I was worried Tess was going to leave you behind. Caitlyn called me to let me know everything, I figured I'd save you from explaining everything."

Mitchie makes a sound of appreciation as she snuggles into his hold. His scent overpowers her once again and she begins to doze off but not before she glows inwardly when Shane remarks on her hair. She thanks him sleepily before she drifts off and has another dreamless sleep with her senses filled with nothing but the combined scent of nail polish and cinnamon and she's awoken the next morning by Shane as he whispers "Happy Christmas" into her ear. She kisses him sleepily before throwing herself out of bed and calling her parents to speak to them.

Her mother is excited as always and she rambles on about how she sent them a Christmas pudding and questions why it hasn't arrived yet. Mitchie laughs softly into the mouthpiece as she listens to her mother's kind and excited voice warm her up and fills her with the memories of home. She remembers the morning her mother convinced her she was in love with Shane and she feels the blood rush to her cheeks as his arms wrap around her waist and he speaks into the phone, telling Connie that Mitchie needs to go. Connie complies happily before telling her that they'll come visit in mid-January and hanging up promptly.

She takes a shower and thinks about her parents, with their kind faces and their warm eyes and she feels the tears fall down her face as she realises just how much she misses them. She's still yet to tell them about the sickness inside of her and she gets hit by a strong wave of guilt when she realises that they're probably not going to forgive her for not telling them. She sobers up and steps out of the shower, running a comb through her freshly dyed hair and puts on a knitted jumper and jeans before heading downstairs and into the lounge room.

She tucks herself underneath a blanket with Shane and they watch A Walk To Remember. She keeps a tight grip on Shane's hand, similar to the last time they watched it together. She wants to cry because of how their story is so like Jamie and Landon's but she bites back the sadness that sweeps through her and keeps her ground. She focuses on Shane's soft breathing and feels the gentle rise and fall of his chest and she feels tired all of a sudden. She shakes it off and watches the rest of the movie and when it finishes, Shane turns the television off altogether and they sit in silence for a few moments before he speaks.

"This is the last time I watch that movie."

Mitchie doesn't say anything but she can't stop the guilt that flows through her body like it did before. It's obviously because of her and it hurts to know that watching something he loves so much is just too painful anymore because it reminds him of them and how this relationship is so much alike to that of Jamie and Landon's that she can't help but sob softly. If their story is so similar to Jamie and Landon, does that mean even the ending is going to be similar?

She knows it's true and deep in her heart, she knows that it's not that far off either.

Mitchie can feel it in her bones, in her blood, in her heart with every attack. It happens daily now, but it's not as intense as Shane assumes. It's something that she can control and bear through but there are times when she just wants to fall down on her knees and scream because it just hurts so much. She feels Shane's hand keep a gentle grip on her own and she wants just break down and cry because she knows he's thinking the exact same thing that she is. She composes herself after a few minutes and nothing else is said as they lie underneath the blanket and bask in each others presence.

The days that lead to New Years Eve are between hectic and calm for both Mitchie and Shane. She mainly stays in their bedroom, sitting on the chair next to window and staring out at the scenery around her while he makes arrangements for New Years Eve, ordering everyone to come over so they can have a good old fashioned time together before they crash out at his place. She watches the snow fall from the brilliant grey sky above her and blend in with the mountains it's created on the ground and she hopes quietly to herself that it's a clear night on New Years Eve so she can see the stars shine down upon them.

As Shane busies himself downstairs, she continues to watch the world around her and her mind is running a marathon with the different thoughts that race against each other. She thinks about her parents, and how much she misses them and how much she looks forward to seeing them. She thinks about New Years Eve and how proud of herself she will be that night because she's accomplished her wish of making it through the whole year. She knows that she could be able to fight a little bit longer after that and she thinks about dying.

She doesn't know what's going to happen, whether it's going to hurt or whether it's going to be in her sleep. She doesn't know. Her heart tells her that it's close, it's so close but she doesn't listen because she wants to remain oblivious to the fact that's she's dying. It hurts more and it's hurting her at that moment but she doesn't concentrate on the fire that travels through her body and boils her blood. She winces occasionally in her riviera and lets a lone tear fall from her eyes but she remains strong and forces the tears away because crying isn't worth it anymore.

Before she knows it, it's New Years Eve and both Shane and herself are rushing around the house getting things in order. He said to her to rug up for the night because they're going to be outside the entire night and the fact that it's freezing doesn't make the matter any more appealing. After they finish tidying up, he sends her upstairs to get some rest while he gets ready. She gives him a tender kiss before she goes back to the bedroom though. His sweet lips have been on her mind all day and he brings her gently against the wall and puts a strong passion into the kiss she hasn't expected. His hands wander her body and the soft breaths she makes into his mouth seem to satisfy him before he pulls away and gives her a smirk.

She walks up the stairs with a spring in her step and she falls asleep with Shane's glorious face in her mind. Her sleep is once again dreamless and she wakes up a few hours later and looks out the window to see the day has darkened considerably. Mitchie jumps out of bed and rushes around the room in a panic when she can hear Shane downstairs as he has a small bicker with Jason over why he should install a birdhouse into the perfectly good willow tree trunk. She doesn't laugh though as she's on all fours and gasping softly from the sharp pain that's striking against her stomach.

Pain pain pain.

It hurts so much more than the others and she has to resist the urge to scream because she doesn't want to worry Shane or anyone else for that matter. She clutches her stomach as the force of the pains grows stronger and stronger and soon her bones rattle uncontrollably. She feels hot tears run down her face and drip onto the carpet. The fire races through her stomach and dances erratically across her spine before it stops completely and she's left gasping for air on the carpeted floor. She gets up shakily and wipes away the tears in her eyes.

She's never felt something like that before, it could have been a sign but she shakes her head. She refuses to believe that.

She walks with a slight wobble in her step to the bathroom to freshen up and she ends up having a hot shower to relieve her aching bones before she fixes her hair in thick curls and puts on a small amount of makeup. She leaves the bathroom and almost jumps when she sees Tess and Caitlyn standing in the room with annoyed expressions on their faces. Without a word, they drag her to the wardrobe and begin to throw clothes all around the room, occasionally holding up a shirt in front of a bewildered Mitchie before throwing it aside and cursing softly underneath their breath.

Finally, they agree on a sequined top and black jeans with the killer boots from months ago and they throw her a leather jacket and her trench coat before leaving her to get changed. She does so quickly before heading back into the bathroom to take a few painkillers. Her heart stops when she realises that there's none left. Biting her lip, she digs around in the back of the medicine cabinet in hopes of coming across a stray pill but to no avail. Taking a deep breath, she heads out of the bedroom and downstairs to see Jason holding a bunch of blankets with an annoyed expression on his face while Nate and Shane are having a small discussion. Tess and Caitlyn appear to be outside as she can't hear either woman in the house.

Jason's face lights up when he sees Mitchie and he promptly drops the bundle of blankets and sweeps her up into a big bear hug. Mitchie squeaks with delight and kisses his cheek, saying that she missed him. Shane throws Jason a look and he flinches under the gaze before he gathers up all the blankets once again and hurries outside to Tess and Caitlyn. Nate offers Mitchie a small smile before following Jason's lead, leaving Mitchie and Shane alone in the front hallway. He watches her with a sparkle in his eye and she walks up to him and kisses him softly before she allows him to hold her in his arms.

Her heart pounds against her chest as his arms hold her tight and she takes in his familiar cologne and cinnamon scent. It dances around in her head and leaves her feeling woozy and without warning, she feels herself being swept up in Shane's arms and he's carrying her outside bridal style. She squeaks with embarrassment as everyone turns to look at them before laughing at the sight. Mitchie gasps in admiration when she sees that Tess and Caitlyn have covered the willow tree with fairy lights and they glimmer in motion with the clusters of stars that are high above their heads. She feels Shane struggle to get through the thick snow to the willow tree and she notices the bundle of blankets laid out underneath the branches to offer protection from the snow.

When Shane sets her down, she doesn't feel any chill from the snow at all.

He leaves quickly and comes back with his guitar strapped to his back and more blankets in his arms. He places his guitar nearby and throws a blanket over himself and Mitchie before he leans up against the trunk and she snuggles into his waiting arms. The air is cold but the atmosphere is warm and alive and in the dim light of the fairy lights, she can see Nate and Tess sitting down hand in hand and talking in low voices while Jason and Caitlyn are lying back on the blankets and making out shapes in the fairy lights. She smiles to herself when she realises what a good couple the two would make but takes it back as she sees Caitlyn whack Jason hard on the head.

She feels tired from her attack before and she worries that she'll get another one but her head is telling her to stop worrying and enjoy the moment. She can hear Shane singing softly in her ear and his voice sounds just as beautiful as it did last time. The conversation around them dies down as they listen to Shane sing and she watches Nate pick up the guitar and strum up some chords to go with the words. Shane doesn't move from his position, with her in his arms but she can feel his voice get more powerful with each note and it sends shivers down her spine.

When he stops singing, everyone claps with admiration and she can hear him mutter a small "thanks" before conversation takes place once again. Jason and Caitlyn, with gloves on of course, are making a small snowman population on their blanket area. Mitchie laughs at Jason's excited face as he makes a new one and Caitlyn's look of annoyance when her snowmen decide to break apart. She turns her attention to Nate and Tess, only to look away when she's see's them kissing. She hears Shane scoff before she looks up at his face and he has a smirk on his face.

"They're crazy about each other. It's obvious."

He whispers into her ear and she kisses the side of his mouth which catches him off guard.

"Just like I'm crazy about you."

The grin on his face is wonderful and she giggles softly at him before she leans in and kisses him once again. The kiss is tender and romantic enough to not need any intensity in it. Their lips move in synchronisation and the taste on her tongue dazzles her to no end because it's so unique and delightful. She savours it and takes advantage of it before he pulls away to kiss her neck softly. She takes light breaths as he does so and when he stops, she pouts at him and his face appears amused in the sparkling lights.

She takes in a breath of cold air and lets it flow through her body. She still worries about the lack of painkillers coursing through her veins but she's wonderful right now, she can barely feel anything aside from a slight throbbing in her skull. She dismisses it as an after effect from kissing Shane. She can't help but think about everything now, because it's so damn quiet, she needs conversation but at the same time, she relishes the silence because it gives her more time to think about everything that's happened over the past year.

She was diagnosed with cancer, she moved here, she met Shane, she fell in love with Shane, she told Shane about her sickness, Shane stayed with her, she lied to Shane, her looked after her, he loved her, she was worried she's breaking him, he says he's ready for anything.

Mitchie sighs softly before snuggling further into Shane's chest. She's so in love with him, she can't even imagine life without him now. She loves everything about this man, his voice, his eyes, his scent, his infectious smirk, his gentle touch, his soft kisses and his reassurance that everything is going to be alright. She takes in his scent once again before she kisses his jacket affectionately.

"I love you."

She hears Jason and Caitlyn sigh in unison before they laugh and continue building their snowmen army. Shane nuzzles the top of her head and places soft butterfly kisses along it.

"I love you too."

He whispers sweet words into her ear and she giggles softly once again. He's really changed. She couldn't imagine him doing something like this a year ago. His hands run up and down her arms repeatedly and before long, he's kissing her cheek softly and she's leaning into his lips, trying to get as much of him as she can. The fairy lights dance across her eyes as he kisses her softly and she watches the clusters of stars twinkle and shine down on the world beneath them. Before long, Shane's helping her up as Jason's calling out that there's three minutes to midnight.

He holds her hand as they count down in their heads and his thumb strokes her hand softly and it sends familiar goose bumps up her arms. She hushes at him to stop but he continues to do it. She can hear Jason and Caitlyn countdown excitedly and she catches a glimpse of Nate and Tess looking at one another with such love in their eyes that Mitchie feels compelled to do the same thing to Shane. She looks up at Shane and his hazel eyes are twinkling with affection and she sees him mouthing out the numbers that Jason and Caitlyn are calling out.

"Five... four... three... two... one!"

They simultaneously call out "Happy New Year' before they whoop and cheer like a bunch of lunatics. Mitchie laughs with happiness as she hears fireworks go off in the distance and the sounds of cheers coming from the other houses in the neighbourhood. She sees Caitlyn and Jason hug each other with enthusiasm before jumping around and squealing about the New Year, while Tess and Nate are lost in each others kiss and she turns back to Shane, whose leaned in close to her and gathered her in his arms firmly. She links her hands around his neck and nuzzles his cheek before breathing a sigh of relief.

"I did it."

Shane kisses along her jaw and she closes her eyes from the tingles she receives from his soft touches and in his breathless touch, he whispers "You did" before he captures her lips in a desperate clinch and she melts into his arms. The contours of his lips match her own perfectly and she can feel him nibble at her bottom lip like he used to before letting his tongue touch her own and the sweet taste of vanilla and cinnamon flood her own mouth and clash perfectly with her strawberry taste. One of his hands moves from her waist and cup the side of her face and she moans happily as his thumb strokes her cheeks. She doesn't know how long they kiss for but when they break apart, they rest their foreheads together and take deep and gasping breaths for a moment.

"Best. Kiss. Ever."

He chuckles in agreement before they're being smothered by both Jason and Caitlyn squealing over their cute factor and how jealous they are of them. Mitchie gives Jason a tight hug and kisses his cheek once again and he blushes furiously in the dim lights before he grabs Caitlyn away from Shane to start a snowball fight. Tess walks over, her lips bruised pink and her hair slightly messy and she gives Mitchie an awkward hug and a kiss on the cheek to Shane before letting Nate give Mitchie a hug and a handshake to Shane. Soon, she has to dodge the snowball being thrown at her and she watches Shane give her a smug look.

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not. I'll just referee this round however."

He gives her hand a squeeze before he runs out into the snow and gathers up a snowball before he pelts it at a disoriented Jason. She laughs when he gets hit and the look of determination on his face just puts her into a fit of giggles. She sees Nate twirl Tess around in the snow and she's squeaking in fear and begging him to put her onto safer ground. He lets her go and she falls back onto the snow and just as she's about to tell him off, he's joined her and his lips are on hers again. He gets back up and throws a snowball at Caitlyn who was using Jason as her human shield and she shrieks when she gets hit. The moment is perfect, like something from a movie and Mitchie takes a deep breath and relishes the feeling.

Everything is perfect, everything is beautiful, everyone is happy and she's fine right now, she's absolutely wonderful. She can't feel anything, she can't see anything, and she can just...

She can't feel anything.

Then it happens.

A fire is racing across her body at a slow pace and it's burning everything in its path. She stands there amongst the blankets, a look of shock across her face as she feels everything move beneath her. The world is black but the lights dance across her vision like a whirlwind and when she finds the will to blink, she see's Shane Gray watching her with a worried expression on her face. Shane Gray? Oh right, her love. She can see him mouth her name and when she finds her voice, she calls out his name before she loses her balance and falls back gracefully onto the wonderfully warm blankets.

There's nothing, she can't see, she can't hear, she can't feel, what's happening?

The fire is working its way up and its tearing at her. She tries to move her legs but they won't budge and then she can hear a glorious voice in her vulnerability. It's calling her name. She tries to move her head and she realises that Shane Gray is holding her and his hand is slapping her face really hard. She wants him to stop, she's awake, she's okay, but she can't move. There's something hot trailing down her face, she thinks it's from her eyes. The fairy lights are blurry, is she crying? Her heart is racing and a fire runs through her body and she's brought back to reality and she's screaming.

It's hurting, it hurts and she can't move.

She can see Shane above her, his face panic stricken and tears evident in his hazel eyes and he's softly slapping her face, shouting at her to stay awake. She can hear someone dialling a phone and screeching for an ambulance. She tries to shake her head but everything just hurts so much, she can't feel anything but it just hurts. Shane's hands are running through her hair and his holding her upright and he's telling her to "_stay awake_" because she can't go yet, he's not ready.

Someone's crying. It's a sad sound. She doesn't like it.

She's taking deep and hurried breaths and she's groaning loudly in pain and Shane's watching her, his hand which should be offering a shimmer of peace across the sea of fire is doing nothing. She can't feel her legs, her hands, and her heart it's hurting, she wants to speak, to tell Shane but she opens her mouth and she can feel a metallic taste being caught up in her throat. She see's red, angry red and she realises it's blood. It tastes horrible, she wants cinnamon, and she needs cinnamon.

"_Mitchie stay awake. Don't you dare close your eyes. You're not leaving me yet, Mitchie. I love you, isn't that enough? You need the will Mitchie. Stay with me Mitchie, don't leave me..."_

So close, so far away, she can hear his voice, his beautiful and sweet voice.

An image of him playing the guitar flashes in her mind as it's right in front of her as he plays in the summer wind and his voice carries away and he's kissing her in the rain and she can see her parents and she can see him looking at her when she's holding his hand and she can see everything and she can _feel_ him touching her in sensitive places and his lips are beautiful and soft and she can see her parents and Tess and Nate and Jason and Caitlyn and they're walking along the road in the summer heat and '_winter is fragile and unpredictable_' and he's screaming at her to stay awake and '_I'm ready for anything_' and he's kissing her softly and she's screaming because it's hurting so much.

It's so dark but he's still there.

His eyes shining with tears and his hands are smoothing her hair and she can feel nothing but she wants to say something and there's fairy lights in his vision and they dance and twinkle alongside the stars and then she can feel herself saying things to him, what is she saying, she's dying, oh god she's dying. Her breaths are ragged and uneven and Shane's trying to make her hold onto his hand and squeeze it and she's trying but it just takes too much strength to even think about it and she's actually dying. Her parents, Shane, her parents, Shane, Shane, Shane.

"_T-tell my parents, t-that I-I'm s-sorry and that I-I love them..._"

He's screaming at her to stay awake and to call an ambulance and he's screaming at her, '_stay with me, you can tell them yourself, don't leave me here'_.

There's crying and shrieking and the fairy lights are so beautiful and there's nothing left but her heartbeat and her head is running and her thoughts are just dust and she gives him a smile and she's asking him something but she can't feel herself saying it, but she can hear it, it's so dark and she's scared and the lights and stars are all hers now.

"_I-I... love... you, S-Shane..."_

She's slipping away, who is she, her parents, Shane.

Shane it's so dark but it's so warm now, she can't feel anything, she made it through the year and he's screaming at her to stay with him and there are tears in his eyes but she can't see him and "_no, stay with me, stay with me I love you damn it stay with me Mitchie_" and he's kissing her softly but she can't react or do anything because now it's so calm and so warm and the cancer's won, she hopes it's happy now and then she feels her heart stop and his voice is ringing out in her head and echoing and the _fairy lights are so fragile_ and then...

There is nothing.


End file.
